who needs shelter from the sun?

25 Mar 06 Saturday
10:41 PM - who needs shelter from the sun?
Category: Pets and Animals

so...what the fuck?

how is that the hardest thing to do is ALWAYs the fucking RIGHT thing to do?

my career as a DP has been so great lately...

i shot dave's film and it looked great..without a video tap, dave got the film he wanted...EXACTLY

i spent 3 months in pre-pro with nick and a hellish week of prep and a nightmare of a shoot that was only made possible by an AMAZINg crew. nick and i just did telecine last night.

i gambled to be perfectly honest..
anyone who knows me knows that i never gamble unless i know the outcome before. to me, gambling is not knowing the outcome 100 percent.

it paid off, even though it could have blown up badly in my face, i somehow found the exact colourist that i needed to fiind in LA...i.e.-i saw some of his reel in the lobby of post logic and he was THE PERFECT guy to time my work.
creepy.
well for me at least.
see, i didnt see his work until nick and i were walking out(after i had timed 2 films with him)
the footage looks gorgeous and my reputation at LMU has been secured.

i also have found an amzing AC that i would let operate for me...i am a snob and incredibly egotistical about my eye and my composition and i think that he is as good or better than i am. there is no higher compliment in my world.

so...found an operator, have options for gaffers, found a director that i am sympatico with and a colourist for when the shoot is over..its all falling into place and i am amazed.
my career is going REALLY fucking well.

then i got an offer to work on a short 48 hour film project for IMDB credit.

let me say that again...
IMDB credit.......
i have worked my whole life to get that and more to the point i got DP credit.

ready for the punchline?

my personal life is so disasterous i cannot begin to enumerate the legion of issues.

i love my boyfriend, justin, but we have way more issues than i think he is aware of..no, i know that he has no idea.

i'm still unbelievably poor.

i dont know what to do about work. justin is having a hunky fucking dory time and doing fabulously well. i just wish i could turn off my humanity just as well as he can...oh wait i can..it just requires becoming a different human being..no..it requires being a monster.

you know..when robert louis stevenson let his wife read teh first draft of jekyll and hyde, she begged him to burn it; which he subsequently did...
i always thought she was a bit of a bitch for that.
it occurs to me as i write this that maybe she understood what she was reading. maybe she understood innately that she was seeing a part of her husband that he had always hid from her. the "stranger" of billy joel fame.
we hide away our deepest selves. glenn worked for 2 years and he never saw what i gave to ryan in 2 days.
i dated justin (the first one) because i knew that he wouldnt judge me because he was just as bad as i was. i cant date or be comfortable with good people becasue i donty think that i belong amongst them.
becasue i know my "hyde" side very very well.
rememebr that cartoon with the sheep dog and the wolf and how they would punch in and then go to work being natural enemies? it works as humor becasue of the scene where they clock in.
i feel like jacob and i sort of take turns driving. when i get tired, i punch out and let jacob take the wheel. the sucky part is that he runs into things, backs into poles and runs over old ladies(all metaphorically speaking)

i fucking hate jacob.

at the same time, i have come to rely on him.

when i'm working on a set, sometimes i will delegate to my gaffer with the words, "you have complete autonomy" which means, this is your chance to light a scene, go have fun, you know what i want, work in those perameters.

i feel like i do that with jacob.
complete autonomy for a few days..just dont kill me too much.

i have given him a few days for ever few that he gives me and it seems to be working.

you know, in lord of the rings, i always sympathised with gollum, but the films made me re-think a bit and i beleive that the saddest characters are the ring-wraiths.
not alive, not dead, trapped into servitude of an evil they could have avoided if only they hadnt been blinded by their selfishness and greed.

i have hope...
after all...ST. Augustine lead a long life of sin before he was saved.
his mother prayed daily for her son.
i have many people who are pulkling for me..shouldnt the odds be more stacked for me?

on nicks shoot, some of th same things happened with the weather...

we would sahoot a scene in the am and then it would snow for a as long as it took to get the camera set up in location after lunch and the clouds would part.

my defining moment for dave:
when we first parked the RV that 14 of us were going ot be living in for 3 days at the campsite, i got out to use a bush or something and a few of us piled out. it was a full moon and th valley that we were in looked like something directly out of a john ford movies. it was night time in the old west; just like i remmeber from the old movies.
i knew that dave would understand this reference so i yelled out for dave to come take a look.
i told him the john ford thing.
he just looked at the moon for a second and simply said,:
"now tell me theres no G-d"
touche.
i just looked over and all i felt was amzing respect and shame that that wasnt my first thought.
G-d has brough a lot of good people in my life... and subsequebtly it has been harder to be bad(though i seem to find ways)
i just get tired of being me.

i'm rambling.
tired.
cheers