the last banana

04 Feb 06 Saturday
1:24 AM -

the last banana
Current mood: melancholy
Category: melancholy Parties and Nightlife

fuck.
i slipped.
i need help.

when i first met my ex, i hated him immediately upon sight. then i reviled him and then settled into loathing. that was just the first hour or so..
but later in the day, we were at a friends house and he played the piano for me, something of his own composition....i heard proof of a soul;
with a new vision i saw him and heard greatness in his voice.

i once told my mother that we had the same taste in men and its only partially true. my mother's fatal flaw as been that she saw through the present person and saw the person they could grow to be and she would instictively nurture that(often against her better judgement and my appeals)
i saw greatness in someone that didnt see it in themselves and it nearly cost me everything.
now i catch up with him or just keep my ears to the ground. its funny that he is finally starting to bloom into a real person. i am truly happy for him.
it stands as both an example of the redemption possible, and my inabiltiy to follow in those steps, 12 or otherwise.

i suppose it's rather fitting that my sexual awakening was while reading burroughs' naked lunch. an irony that this was the book that kicked of my 15 year adolecence...

i realize that i have slid too far away from that way of life. i finally understand the significance of the title trainspotting. its about the extreme distance from society that addicts keep from themselves and the chutes and ladders of addiction.

i like who i am sober...why fuck that up? what is it that i need so much that i cant find it in my finest state; that i would give up everything for it?

when is it enough.
i'm tired and i feel like i want to vanish into oblivion.
heaven is for the hopeful, hell for the guilty and oblivion for the lucky.

no worries though......vitamin B sould make this all feel better.

"i believe that what i'm feeling changes how the world appears"- neil peart