a strange state of being

11 Jun 06 Sunday
5:43 PM - a strange state of being
Current mood: climbing the walls
Category: climbing the walls Art and Photography

where were we?
oh yes, my brothers, i, your humble narrator, was deep in the mining towns of the great north woods.

well, things have kind of declined a bit.

its strange, really. i have been clean and sober almost a month and i have never had more reason to use.

to explain;
i used meth as an escape. i wanted to get away from the pain of a bad relationship, from a dull life, and from myself most importantly. justin pulled me out and he has been amazing. unfortuntly, i know that if something happened to "us", i would run to the first crackhead i could find. i realized that i'm sober for him more than me.
thats not really good. though its not entirely true, really.
when i have a moment to reflect on a few things, i realize that i have to do it for me as well.
i wasted 2 years of my life on that shite. its time to grow up.

no one WANTS to grow up, but eventually you HAVE to.

i swore to myself that i would age with grace and not be one of those idiots that tries to be 20 when he's 45. theres no onther path that assures that future than the one i was on.
i have met and crossed paths with many who sold their souls and their lives to pretend that they were 20 again.

i once told a good friend of mine that meth is an all or nothing proposition. at the time i meant that there was no "dabbling", either you do it or it consumes you. now i'm thinking that it means that its a trade off. you give it all for nothing in return. LA is full of people that think they're getting a brand new pair of golden clothes, but thy're only getting air.
its depressing to think that i was one of those people.speaking of depression;
i went to school for 18 and a half years ro so, total.
you know what i do every day? i commute up to coeur d'alene(45 minute drive) so i can sit at labour ready and get a job working some brainless constructiuon job.

justin got a job at McDonalds. w're barely making it.
i miss my home and my family. i miss my friends who can help me by reminding me who i am is not limited to whether or not i have abs.

i long to return to LA, but i need to do it on my terms.

we're barely limping by and neither of us is happy. we have each other and our newly adopted pet rat, anabelle(i got her for justin to cheer him up). life is simple, but so very very hard.
i've never been so poor and depressed.

justin's dad and stepmom are really cool, but theres really only so much that they can do....

justin and i will be going on 6 months soon. i love him very much. i know i sound like a whiney prick, but i want to go home. if i am going to withstand the temptations and trials of living in LA, i need to recharge my soul and i'm realizing thats not going to happen here.

theres no money, no comfort and few options. it takes people here weeks to do anything. i got an interview at a photgraphy place, but its next friday and i'm hands down the most qualified person in a 90 mile radius; thats not even a question, thats a promise. i didnt tell her that, but i did, humbly, list all of my qualifications and still....next fucking friday.

i'm adjusting to small town life, living in a trailer that leaks all the time (because it constantly rains - mind you, the rain is the only thing i DONT mind)

i need to get out of here.

i guess, one could argue that i have had some breathing room to get my head screwd on str8 and figure out what i need.

G-d has a wicked sense of humour. sometimes it feels like he has abandoned me here, but i've been thinking; what if he has? but what if its for my own good? what if he has left me in the proverbial "corner" to think about things for a while? the dunce hat certainly would be fitting...he he. the reason that i still blog on this thing is that it helps me to organize my thoughts. thats why they usually play out very stream-of-consciousness-like.

what i need is to get out of here and go home. i have a room at my mom and dad's house, rent-free. we have to pay to live in our leaky trailer. as soon as i can get the money together for petrol, i want out.

gotta run,
have a bunch more things to do and only so much time on the internet.

btw-my phone has been suspended; T-mobile doesnt have any presence in the silver valley....AT ALL. i will try to have my phone back on by august.

cheers.

ps-if any of you know any stock photgraphy websites that i can post to and get a few bucks from, that would help me out a lot, thanks.