....and........scene. part one

26 Feb 06 Sunday
6:14 PM - ....and........scene. part one
Current mood: none; or other
Category: none; or other Goals, Plans, Hopes

so.
i just had a monologue in which i just expressed all of my fears and hopes and realised some of the things that i was/am truly afraid of.....heres the punchline;
i stopped halfway through realizing that i shouldf be writihng this down because it made great dramatic dialogue.

does this mean that i have officially gone "LA"...whatever the fuck that means.

i am so tired of apologizing for this town. on my worst days, a tiny part of me loves LA, you know why?
this town will push you to your limits.
they say that NY'ers have their identities vested in the city, but in LA ur forced to deal with yourself and your own identity.
this town will test you and more importantly; this town will break you...sometime some how, it will break you
i drown once when i was a kid.
my mom alweays tells me that i survived becasue i hadnt done what i was put on this earth to do....kind of a head trip when you're a 6 year old.
thomas keneally said in his book"gift of the jews" that the defining moment in western civilization was when G-d spoke to abraham and said "i am rthe G-d of your fathers, lechi lach; go forth and make a great nation ".
in that moment, the idea of self, the idea of vocation and lineage. the ideas that are the basic tenets of our society were created.
sometimes i feel like abraham, if its not too obscenly egotistical to say so.
i was born to shoot film. it has always been my vocation.....
ever since i was a child, i have felt the weight of greatness on my shoulders.
that doesnt mean that i feel predestined to be great (though one can always hope), but rather...i understood early that i could be great and that for some reason i was spared...that put me ahead in the stats as far as i was concerned. i have always felt the weigh of personal expectation to be great...to deserve that rescue. i have to deserve waking up on that beach, bewildered and cold(sorry-sombre music makes me morose and dramatic at times).

this whole thread comes on the heels of an interesting day.

i met a friend of mine for coffee and we talked about many things. its the end of the month and that means that i am trying to figure out how the hell i'm going to make rent with out peddling my arse on santa monica blvd.
i went to samy's camera as a welcome distraction and i asked the sales clerk a few simple questions, ending with an off-the-cuff inquiry about job openings. first off, the guy was from my home towm...used to work at helix, for those of you in the know. i basically got offered the position by the guy. i apparently exude knowledge and they need a guy for sales in their grip dept.

heres the twist.....

i cant shoot.

LMU shoots start on friday and end on sunday....might as well thursday as a pre-pro day. samy's is a FULL-time job.
like keslow was....

speaking of which; i had to call them and ask for a quote for a cam package...not sure how i feel about that place...pretty sure they dont like me.

a long time ago, i was forced to make a decision betwixt shooting and working. i chose shooting.
i'm tired of living hand to mouth.
show up with a resume and i have the job
not being able to shoot was one of the key factors in my being a crackhead. is that a cop-out?
i was the key factor in being a crackhead, but my soul demands to be fed...its like a twist on little shop of horrors. if i dont feed it, it withers and dies and i get overgrown with big green talking venus fly-traps that talk like isaac hayes......

i edit my reel tomorrow.

i apply at samy's tomorrow night, if not tuesday morning.

theres so much more going on;
...but thats....another story....

this blog was brought to you by the letters K, L, and the number 5 (no significance in the chosen alpha-numerics, those letters had better agents)