21 Mar 07 Wednesday
11:01 AM - a moment of clarity
Category: Pets and Animals
so, i wrote this in an email to a friend and i hope he forgives me, but i thought that it kind of had a blog-ish feel to it and there were some things in it that i would be writing about anyway, so i thought i would save myself the labour of re-wording.
things have been alright actually. today is justin's b-day, so i took off. its his 21st, so of course, he plans on getting sloppy drunk. things have been good between us, but sometimes i wonder if they're going so well b/c we realize that we only have a limited time together. i've been in a tion of relationships. for a while i was serial dating. not so much a fear of being alone, but more eager to find my true love that was waiting for me (yeah, i know...i was young, lol).
after a while theres this sort of malaise that sets in and the goal seems to be to have a solid foundation set before that malaise hits or the relationship crumbles to dust very quickly. justin and i had that for a very brief period of time, but then all of this came about and now we appreciate each other.
it's wierd. dunno.
work is going alright i guess. i probably told you that htey're disolving my department. i gave notice to my landlord that i'm leaving at the end of april and as far as work is concerned, it couldnt be soon enough. the best people are leaving our dept and things are becoming very strange right now. imagine any third world counrty in the middle of a coup. suddenly, your piece of the world becomes unstable and almost anything goes.
so, i talked to a very old friend of mine and he offered to let me stay with him but he lives in the valley. i had another old friend just find me on myspace and offer a place. he lives in weho. i'm not sure if that's too close to the lion's den. i'm hoping to get a place in west LA when i can save up the scratch.
its funny b/c all of the people who have offered me a couch to crash on have cats and i have a rat and 2 mice that i'm bringing with me. this should be interesting.
well, theres not that much going on, but thats it. thanks for the kind words of encouragement. it means a lot to me. i almost forgot to tell you. i had kind of a breakthough this morning.
i was sitting in bed and justin was out of the room and i was just staring at the wall in that way that you do when you got up and dont have to be anywhere soon and you just want to enjoy being in bed that extra few minutes.
so, my mind wanders and i think about my blogs, and i think about the fact that they are one big arc in terms of my dealing with recovering from addiction. so then i think about the word "meth". now normally, it's enough to run shivers down my spine, but for the first time in years, i feel nothing. like diana in "a chorus line"
i am shocked that i feel nothing, almost enough to sing a song about it, lol.
then there was the clarity of recognizing the moment. it was very cool.
oh, also, i was at the library and i found this amazing book that i had almost forgotten about called "geek love". i cannot recomment this book enough.
well, thats enough for now.
your friend,
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
exile
02 Mar 07 Friday
6:39 PM - exile
Current mood: angst sliding into complacency
Category: angst sliding into complacency Automotive
alright, here goes.
this is the beginning of another blog that i fully expect that no one will actually read. if you are reading this asnd you get to the end, then i guess i apologise in advance for all of the spite and venom in the following entry. some of these things i actually think and some of them are just sort of random statements made in a cloud of rage and frustration.
i am so fuckijng sick and tired of this exile. this was supposed to be a "three hour tour" as the tv theme goes. to extend that metaphor, it seems that anytime i get the wood together for a raft, a hurricane comes through and blows all of the building materials to the farthest corners of the island. the more times that i am forced to start over, the more upset i get.
i think that i have been pretty patient while i've been here. i've tried approaching each ridiculous situation with humour and aplomb, but i dont know how much more i can stand.
heres what the sitch is:
justin and i moved up here with the distinct idea ofd moving back to LA in august (together). justin has decided not to come back with me to LA. now i am dead sure that someday when he looks back at this, i will the one that will be reviled for "abandoning" him. i actually condiser the situation the other way around. i love justin. granted, he's a pain in the arse, but then so am i. i love him very much, and the prospect of being without him scares the crap out of me. i cant begin to express how much i dont want to be without him, but i also am so tired of being here. to other eyes, this is a nice quiet town nestled in the mountains, cradling a beautiful lake. to me, its a prison that cages me while i watch the rest of the world pass me by.
i have a friend in LA that is working on the restoration of The Godfather for paramount and he's working with allen daviau. i have friends shooting films (some that would want me there, one who wouldnt) and all i can do is go to work, answer the phones, and fix the errors of asinine people who make insipid mistakes.
like tectonic plates, these concerns and fears rumble together and make ripples in my psyche that i can only hold back for so long. my time and patience are running out.
justin's family is here, and there are other considerations that i cant go into here. i dont blame him. his support system is here. he is all i know in the way of a support system. now, i am on the verge of one of the toughest years of my life and i will have to do it alone.
blah
add into this equation that we just found out that my department is being dismantled in the next 2 months. one could argue that i'm leaving just in time, but there's been a moratorium on overtime (which means that i will have to manage on my measly 40 hr check). the upshot is that it will take me the rest of my damn natural life to get together the needed money to leave here.
this place has the same damn problem as the midwest. i always thouight that where i came from had this distinct problem. you can never get the momentum to leave.
david wojnarowicz once wrote that an object has to be moving at 7 miles a second to break from the earth's gravity and i guess i've always felt that i always seemto get stuck in these gravity wells.
LA was the only time that i felt any kind of freedom. i guess it was just a different prison, but i never seemed to mind b/c it was a prison of my own choosing. thats not something i can say about wisconsin or idaho.
one can argue that i chose to move here w/ justin, but i got bamboozled. this is nothing close to the situation i was supposed to be walking into.
the next time someone asks me to move for or with them, i will let loose a string of obsentities at such a volume it may be offensive to little old ladies, children, and exotic fish.
anyway.......
being sober in idaho has been reasonably easy. G-d only knows what fate holds for me when i get back into the city whose darkest corners i know so well....
on a rational level, i am aware that that fate crap is just an excuse; at the end of the day it is entirely up to my willpower to hold me up. i guess that's the midwesterner in me. doesnt matter what it is, you can plow through with grit, if you've got it.
i guess i will always be on the precipice, hoping that a strong wind wont blow me in the wrong direction.
i know someone at work that i know for fact has access to it. i actually broached the subject once, but i decided against pursuing it; for a variety of reasons, not all of them virtuous.
i had to go to the store the other day and buy new pants. i'm a size 38 now. un-fucking-believable. i was maybe a 30 or a 29 when i moved up here. i'm tired of being tired.
i started walking home from the office b/c its literally the only exercise my fat arse ever gets. i miss swimming. i miss just going for walks, taking photos in west hollywood. i miss LA.
blah
6:39 PM - exile
Current mood: angst sliding into complacency
Category: angst sliding into complacency Automotive
alright, here goes.
this is the beginning of another blog that i fully expect that no one will actually read. if you are reading this asnd you get to the end, then i guess i apologise in advance for all of the spite and venom in the following entry. some of these things i actually think and some of them are just sort of random statements made in a cloud of rage and frustration.
i am so fuckijng sick and tired of this exile. this was supposed to be a "three hour tour" as the tv theme goes. to extend that metaphor, it seems that anytime i get the wood together for a raft, a hurricane comes through and blows all of the building materials to the farthest corners of the island. the more times that i am forced to start over, the more upset i get.
i think that i have been pretty patient while i've been here. i've tried approaching each ridiculous situation with humour and aplomb, but i dont know how much more i can stand.
heres what the sitch is:
justin and i moved up here with the distinct idea ofd moving back to LA in august (together). justin has decided not to come back with me to LA. now i am dead sure that someday when he looks back at this, i will the one that will be reviled for "abandoning" him. i actually condiser the situation the other way around. i love justin. granted, he's a pain in the arse, but then so am i. i love him very much, and the prospect of being without him scares the crap out of me. i cant begin to express how much i dont want to be without him, but i also am so tired of being here. to other eyes, this is a nice quiet town nestled in the mountains, cradling a beautiful lake. to me, its a prison that cages me while i watch the rest of the world pass me by.
i have a friend in LA that is working on the restoration of The Godfather for paramount and he's working with allen daviau. i have friends shooting films (some that would want me there, one who wouldnt) and all i can do is go to work, answer the phones, and fix the errors of asinine people who make insipid mistakes.
like tectonic plates, these concerns and fears rumble together and make ripples in my psyche that i can only hold back for so long. my time and patience are running out.
justin's family is here, and there are other considerations that i cant go into here. i dont blame him. his support system is here. he is all i know in the way of a support system. now, i am on the verge of one of the toughest years of my life and i will have to do it alone.
blah
add into this equation that we just found out that my department is being dismantled in the next 2 months. one could argue that i'm leaving just in time, but there's been a moratorium on overtime (which means that i will have to manage on my measly 40 hr check). the upshot is that it will take me the rest of my damn natural life to get together the needed money to leave here.
this place has the same damn problem as the midwest. i always thouight that where i came from had this distinct problem. you can never get the momentum to leave.
david wojnarowicz once wrote that an object has to be moving at 7 miles a second to break from the earth's gravity and i guess i've always felt that i always seemto get stuck in these gravity wells.
LA was the only time that i felt any kind of freedom. i guess it was just a different prison, but i never seemed to mind b/c it was a prison of my own choosing. thats not something i can say about wisconsin or idaho.
one can argue that i chose to move here w/ justin, but i got bamboozled. this is nothing close to the situation i was supposed to be walking into.
the next time someone asks me to move for or with them, i will let loose a string of obsentities at such a volume it may be offensive to little old ladies, children, and exotic fish.
anyway.......
being sober in idaho has been reasonably easy. G-d only knows what fate holds for me when i get back into the city whose darkest corners i know so well....
on a rational level, i am aware that that fate crap is just an excuse; at the end of the day it is entirely up to my willpower to hold me up. i guess that's the midwesterner in me. doesnt matter what it is, you can plow through with grit, if you've got it.
i guess i will always be on the precipice, hoping that a strong wind wont blow me in the wrong direction.
i know someone at work that i know for fact has access to it. i actually broached the subject once, but i decided against pursuing it; for a variety of reasons, not all of them virtuous.
i had to go to the store the other day and buy new pants. i'm a size 38 now. un-fucking-believable. i was maybe a 30 or a 29 when i moved up here. i'm tired of being tired.
i started walking home from the office b/c its literally the only exercise my fat arse ever gets. i miss swimming. i miss just going for walks, taking photos in west hollywood. i miss LA.
blah
a story...the beginnnings
09 Nov 06 Thursday
6:09 PM - a story...the beginnnings
Category: Writing and Poetry
i was at work today and i just got this bizarre urge to start writing and i got an idea for a story.
think the windup bird chronicles meets neil gaimen meets bukowsi and burroughs
i posted it b/c i am incredibly rusty and any comments or critiques on the style of the writing. btw - dont worry about the punctuation and capitalization.
thanks
The sun was shining brightly through the leaves that covered the dog park in shade. to be fair the park wasnt all that big and the trees in it werent that many, but they had long limbs and many leaves that helped to give the place a serene kind of feel. Thomas was sitting under one of these trees, watching the random dogs weaving around the park catching various objects with the natural athleticism that dogs have and sniffing each other with that carefree sensibility that dogs also seem to have.
Thomas was sitting down because he could walk no further. to be fair, thomas couldhave walked further, but his chosen place to throw up was in the bushes a few metres from the tree. the rest was just a moments' recovery.
a huge labradour raced up to him and a momentary wave of panic washed over thomas. standing on its hind legs, the dog would have been as tall as Thomas. the dog approached quickly and began to sniff around thomas. It began to lick his face, much to the discomfort of the fallen boy. for a moment Thomas was blind as the dog filled up his field of vision.
"ben!", a voice barked from somewhere behind the dog. thomas pushed the dog away from his face and his field of vision catching a young man of indeterminate early 20's appraoching from the corner of his eye.
there was a whistle accompanying a loud, "here boy". the dog stoppped and looked back to see his owner approaching. the dog though about it for a moment, turned back to thomas, regarding him and ran to the voice.
"sorry about that," the young man said, rustling the dog's head, "he's really sweet, just big."
thomas wiped the dog slober from his face and looked up.
"its okay." he croaked.
the man grabbed the dog by the sides of it's head and slid his ears back and forth.
"isnt that right, gentle ben..."
Thomas chucked a little.
"gentle ben, like the bear,"he laughed.
the man looked over and smiled, "yeah."
"thats a bit retro, isnt it?"
"a little, I guess."
The moment slid into silence while the momentum of he conversation died. The man looked at Thomas taking measure of him. Thomas was sitting with his back to the tree, wearing a doubtful expression. he wore it well, thomas wore most things well. he was in shape, (which is mandatory in los angeles) and wearing a plain white t-shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans. the bottoms of the legs were frayed from where they had reached the ground and been slowly unraveled. the space where the shirt met his jeans was mussed from being tucked in and a small stain of sick accented his left shoulder.
The man smiled awkwardly and let the dog lead him away. Thomas leaned back into himself and quietly smiled. Ah, yes, the distance sets in, he thought.
Thomas leaned forward and rolled himself forward off of the slope of the trees roots at it..s base. As he stood to his full height, the withdrawl hit. For a moment, a force from beyond that seemed to grab his soul and hold it out of his body for a moment. The park warped out of his view.
6:09 PM - a story...the beginnnings
Category: Writing and Poetry
i was at work today and i just got this bizarre urge to start writing and i got an idea for a story.
think the windup bird chronicles meets neil gaimen meets bukowsi and burroughs
i posted it b/c i am incredibly rusty and any comments or critiques on the style of the writing. btw - dont worry about the punctuation and capitalization.
thanks
The sun was shining brightly through the leaves that covered the dog park in shade. to be fair the park wasnt all that big and the trees in it werent that many, but they had long limbs and many leaves that helped to give the place a serene kind of feel. Thomas was sitting under one of these trees, watching the random dogs weaving around the park catching various objects with the natural athleticism that dogs have and sniffing each other with that carefree sensibility that dogs also seem to have.
Thomas was sitting down because he could walk no further. to be fair, thomas couldhave walked further, but his chosen place to throw up was in the bushes a few metres from the tree. the rest was just a moments' recovery.
a huge labradour raced up to him and a momentary wave of panic washed over thomas. standing on its hind legs, the dog would have been as tall as Thomas. the dog approached quickly and began to sniff around thomas. It began to lick his face, much to the discomfort of the fallen boy. for a moment Thomas was blind as the dog filled up his field of vision.
"ben!", a voice barked from somewhere behind the dog. thomas pushed the dog away from his face and his field of vision catching a young man of indeterminate early 20's appraoching from the corner of his eye.
there was a whistle accompanying a loud, "here boy". the dog stoppped and looked back to see his owner approaching. the dog though about it for a moment, turned back to thomas, regarding him and ran to the voice.
"sorry about that," the young man said, rustling the dog's head, "he's really sweet, just big."
thomas wiped the dog slober from his face and looked up.
"its okay." he croaked.
the man grabbed the dog by the sides of it's head and slid his ears back and forth.
"isnt that right, gentle ben..."
Thomas chucked a little.
"gentle ben, like the bear,"he laughed.
the man looked over and smiled, "yeah."
"thats a bit retro, isnt it?"
"a little, I guess."
The moment slid into silence while the momentum of he conversation died. The man looked at Thomas taking measure of him. Thomas was sitting with his back to the tree, wearing a doubtful expression. he wore it well, thomas wore most things well. he was in shape, (which is mandatory in los angeles) and wearing a plain white t-shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans. the bottoms of the legs were frayed from where they had reached the ground and been slowly unraveled. the space where the shirt met his jeans was mussed from being tucked in and a small stain of sick accented his left shoulder.
The man smiled awkwardly and let the dog lead him away. Thomas leaned back into himself and quietly smiled. Ah, yes, the distance sets in, he thought.
Thomas leaned forward and rolled himself forward off of the slope of the trees roots at it..s base. As he stood to his full height, the withdrawl hit. For a moment, a force from beyond that seemed to grab his soul and hold it out of his body for a moment. The park warped out of his view.
the hummingbird of wishes and the salmon of doubt
08 Nov 06 Wednesday
9:25 PM - the hummingbird of wishes and the salmon of doubt
Current mood: blah
Category: Automotive
and so it is; back by popular demand....:)
things have really been interesting lately. justin and i went through a pretty rough time for a while and i came close to the breaking point a few times, but things are starting to turn around like they always do.
i have this friend ruben that i talk to a lot and he's been incredibly helpful in terms of understanding what i have been going through. i found a book i had bought quite a while back and it's called "Tulsa", its by larry smith, the guy who directed kids and bully. its a small book of photographs, but they're good ones. i suddenyl noticed an few things i had never noticed about the book.
turns out there was text in it and theres a great quote that larry has. the book was published in 1971 and theres this passage
"i was born in tulsa ok in 1943. when i was sixteen i started shooting amphetamine. i shot with my friends everyday for three years and then left town but i've been back throuh the years. once the needle goes in it never comes out."
"once the needle goes in it never comes out."
i think that never has there been a more true statement. its funny because i've been working this job at this call centre and things were getting kinda hard for me b/c the job is dead-end to say the least, but it kept me busy for a while. until i got into the swing of things. then i got bored and listless. just in the nick of time, i got promoted up the chain a little bit.
so far it has kept me fairly busy. what i do is write the actual code for the orders so that people can get their tv and online services.
its challenging and its the kind of thihng i can become good at. its keeping me occupied for the moment. example; there is this guy that i knew over the summer that was mates with the guy who owns our house. i havent seen him in a while and the rumour factory has it that he has fallen into bad meth use. he was a cool guy, so its a shame.
the day after my first day in my new postion, he was visiting one of my roommates and i caught him in the hall when i got up to go to the bathroom. there was a moment of hellos and then i realized that this guy could hook me up.
all i had to do was ask.
i thought about my job and about justin and it was enough to keep my mouth shut. barely.
when i sit and think about this its kind of like phantom limb syndrome.
stay with me.
imagine waking up one morning and getting up and going to scratch your nose or something and then realize that you lost that arm in a tragic accident involving venetian blinds or something.
theres that moment when you truly forget your disability.
yeah, its kinda like that.
there are moments when i am going to bed and my mind starts to wonder and i now know that every pleasure truly has it's price. theres a lot i wanted to forget, a lot that i was running from; but its all coming back to me, with interest.
i think that i am normal, in my mind, i have reverted back to who i used to be in a lot of ways, but i forget to factor in the toll that this has taken on me. i forget that i now have some emotional instability that makes me very unpleasant to be around, but then i guess living with someone means that you dodnt get the space you once had to blow all of that off harmlessly.
i know in my heart that the last place i belong is in a relatinship. i have expressed to my friend ruben that my biggest fear is that i'm not strong enough to keep this away from me.
of course fear of justin helps to curb the instinct, lol.
i'm not afraid of him kicking my ass as i am of hurting him.
so far i have acheived sobriety by putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to look back, but if you dont look back, then theres no point in walking forward b/c then you're gonna repeat it if you cant figure out why you did it.
i did it b/c i was bored. i did it b/c the world that was scary and weary became new again. i did it b/c it was easier and ultimately more rewarding to be in a fog that required nothing from me. i did it b/c i didnt care enough about myself to stop.
to be completely honest, if i ever lost justin i would probably start up again, only because my love for him outweighs any sense of respect i have for myself. maybe that will change. couldnt say.
maybe thats all it is; maybe theres a delicate balance, something precariously keeping one from crossing those borders. i mean, how often do you want to bash someone's head in in a fit of hot anger? what happens when the anger out-weighs your sense of decency and self restraint? they have a term for it actually, its called a crime of passion.
enough of this; there have been so many other things that have happened to me that are far more interesting. i've been hunting and logging. they were both intersting experiences.
i went hunting w/ justin's dad. it was fun and i had a good time, but it sort of opened old wounds that i didnt know were there. if i am to be honest w/ myself, i have to say that the experience gave me a remote taste of what it must be like to have a dad.
i grew up with imposters and hegemons.
i'll always be grateful for the experience. if nothing else, it opened up an avenue of though that i hadnt let myself flow into it. actually we went huntiing twice. the first time was with justin and his stepmother and father. the next time was just his dad and i getting up and going out at half past Oh-my-God-its early.
the first time was grouse hunting around my 30th birthday. hunting grouse is about waling down the road and hoping a bird will saunter past you and that you will be fast enough to blow it to kindom come.
think wolfenstein 3-D meets duck hunt.
it was interesting to me to remmber that my 29th birthday had been a small affair at the Abbey in west hollywood. i was wearing a suit and sipping martinis. my 30th took place in the back of a pick-up truck w/ a shotgun.
one is forced to ask oneself what happened during that year......
anyway, that is quite enough for the moment. on a completely unrelated note before i go, i have to rant about idaho drivers for a second.
at first i thought they were just humble folk.
then i thought that they werent in a hurry and the pace of life was much more relaxed here.
then i realized that they lobotomize the people after the driving test.
-"congratulations timmy, you passed the test, heres your licence"
-"gee thank, mr. thompson."
pause
-"-hey! what're you doing with that ice-pick...no!!!!"
just a theory, no hard evidence yet.
thanks for listening if you got this far.
ben
ps- if you get a chance listen to the Decemberists and the Ricky Gervais show (the podcasts), the first season is brilliant
9:25 PM - the hummingbird of wishes and the salmon of doubt
Current mood: blah
Category: Automotive
and so it is; back by popular demand....:)
things have really been interesting lately. justin and i went through a pretty rough time for a while and i came close to the breaking point a few times, but things are starting to turn around like they always do.
i have this friend ruben that i talk to a lot and he's been incredibly helpful in terms of understanding what i have been going through. i found a book i had bought quite a while back and it's called "Tulsa", its by larry smith, the guy who directed kids and bully. its a small book of photographs, but they're good ones. i suddenyl noticed an few things i had never noticed about the book.
turns out there was text in it and theres a great quote that larry has. the book was published in 1971 and theres this passage
"i was born in tulsa ok in 1943. when i was sixteen i started shooting amphetamine. i shot with my friends everyday for three years and then left town but i've been back throuh the years. once the needle goes in it never comes out."
"once the needle goes in it never comes out."
i think that never has there been a more true statement. its funny because i've been working this job at this call centre and things were getting kinda hard for me b/c the job is dead-end to say the least, but it kept me busy for a while. until i got into the swing of things. then i got bored and listless. just in the nick of time, i got promoted up the chain a little bit.
so far it has kept me fairly busy. what i do is write the actual code for the orders so that people can get their tv and online services.
its challenging and its the kind of thihng i can become good at. its keeping me occupied for the moment. example; there is this guy that i knew over the summer that was mates with the guy who owns our house. i havent seen him in a while and the rumour factory has it that he has fallen into bad meth use. he was a cool guy, so its a shame.
the day after my first day in my new postion, he was visiting one of my roommates and i caught him in the hall when i got up to go to the bathroom. there was a moment of hellos and then i realized that this guy could hook me up.
all i had to do was ask.
i thought about my job and about justin and it was enough to keep my mouth shut. barely.
when i sit and think about this its kind of like phantom limb syndrome.
stay with me.
imagine waking up one morning and getting up and going to scratch your nose or something and then realize that you lost that arm in a tragic accident involving venetian blinds or something.
theres that moment when you truly forget your disability.
yeah, its kinda like that.
there are moments when i am going to bed and my mind starts to wonder and i now know that every pleasure truly has it's price. theres a lot i wanted to forget, a lot that i was running from; but its all coming back to me, with interest.
i think that i am normal, in my mind, i have reverted back to who i used to be in a lot of ways, but i forget to factor in the toll that this has taken on me. i forget that i now have some emotional instability that makes me very unpleasant to be around, but then i guess living with someone means that you dodnt get the space you once had to blow all of that off harmlessly.
i know in my heart that the last place i belong is in a relatinship. i have expressed to my friend ruben that my biggest fear is that i'm not strong enough to keep this away from me.
of course fear of justin helps to curb the instinct, lol.
i'm not afraid of him kicking my ass as i am of hurting him.
so far i have acheived sobriety by putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to look back, but if you dont look back, then theres no point in walking forward b/c then you're gonna repeat it if you cant figure out why you did it.
i did it b/c i was bored. i did it b/c the world that was scary and weary became new again. i did it b/c it was easier and ultimately more rewarding to be in a fog that required nothing from me. i did it b/c i didnt care enough about myself to stop.
to be completely honest, if i ever lost justin i would probably start up again, only because my love for him outweighs any sense of respect i have for myself. maybe that will change. couldnt say.
maybe thats all it is; maybe theres a delicate balance, something precariously keeping one from crossing those borders. i mean, how often do you want to bash someone's head in in a fit of hot anger? what happens when the anger out-weighs your sense of decency and self restraint? they have a term for it actually, its called a crime of passion.
enough of this; there have been so many other things that have happened to me that are far more interesting. i've been hunting and logging. they were both intersting experiences.
i went hunting w/ justin's dad. it was fun and i had a good time, but it sort of opened old wounds that i didnt know were there. if i am to be honest w/ myself, i have to say that the experience gave me a remote taste of what it must be like to have a dad.
i grew up with imposters and hegemons.
i'll always be grateful for the experience. if nothing else, it opened up an avenue of though that i hadnt let myself flow into it. actually we went huntiing twice. the first time was with justin and his stepmother and father. the next time was just his dad and i getting up and going out at half past Oh-my-God-its early.
the first time was grouse hunting around my 30th birthday. hunting grouse is about waling down the road and hoping a bird will saunter past you and that you will be fast enough to blow it to kindom come.
think wolfenstein 3-D meets duck hunt.
it was interesting to me to remmber that my 29th birthday had been a small affair at the Abbey in west hollywood. i was wearing a suit and sipping martinis. my 30th took place in the back of a pick-up truck w/ a shotgun.
one is forced to ask oneself what happened during that year......
anyway, that is quite enough for the moment. on a completely unrelated note before i go, i have to rant about idaho drivers for a second.
at first i thought they were just humble folk.
then i thought that they werent in a hurry and the pace of life was much more relaxed here.
then i realized that they lobotomize the people after the driving test.
-"congratulations timmy, you passed the test, heres your licence"
-"gee thank, mr. thompson."
pause
-"-hey! what're you doing with that ice-pick...no!!!!"
just a theory, no hard evidence yet.
thanks for listening if you got this far.
ben
ps- if you get a chance listen to the Decemberists and the Ricky Gervais show (the podcasts), the first season is brilliant
jackson pollock, abstract expressionism and bukowski....go!
27 Sep 06 Wednesday
8:54 AM - jackson pollock, abstract expressionism and bukowski....go!
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
my friend ryan wrote an interesting blog that i responded to and then i decide to open up the conversation and see who though i was full of shite or what. i am lucky enough to have many intelligent and well informed friends. what do you guys think?
here's an excerpt of my friend's blog:
"....and i dont buy that the spark of creativity strikes hard and fast and requires the artist to move quickly to capture it. if a guy paints a 120' x 180' mural in 35 minutes, he's just trying to get done. theres no way a canvas that large could be covered with any thematic or creative concern that quickly. sorry. nope.
so i dont know. i know the guy did some great stuff. but i do think, if the film is accurate, he was f&*ing around to get done so he could get to his next important work, popping the cap off that beer.
but thats the advantage of painging, i suppose. bukoiwski liked his booze as much as the next guy, but i would think if he just randomly dumped keystrokes onto the page just to fill it up, he'd have a lot harder time convincing anyone it was genius"
ryan,
the genuis of pollock was not where he laid the paint, but that he understood the dimension of time in the act of painting. i would argue that pollock's paintings were an extension of cubism in that cubism dealt with time and space as honestly as one could.
cubism actually anticipates relativity when you understand that the initial painting of cubism "les madamoiselles d'avignion" begins by showing the face and the profile at the same time, something that relativity states postulates is possible if one is traveling at the speed of light.
basically, the marks that pollock is making on the canvas are a document of his movement around that canvas. the fact that is may be aestetically pleasing is entirely besides the point. pollock's work is about time and basic mark-making. pollock may have not always understood that, but thats why he is an important artist.
most people never really understood abstract expressionism outside of the art work b/c it was a bunch of artists talking to each other. to wit; mark rothko is an amazing painter. he's the one that did those huge fields of colour on a canvas.
the pictures dont look very impressive in a book and more often than not, some smart-arse says "oh, yeah, i could do that".
i happen to be lucky enough to see a rothko show in paris. those paintings are huge. rothko intended the works to be viewed up close so that one painting would fill your peripheral vision. mark rothko was a manic depressive working in a little attic studio in the villlage in NY before it was cool, back when it was a ghetto.
his paintings are actually many thin layers of colour undulating to make one deep, rich tone juxtaposed with another. rothko considered his works to be emotional landscapes that would bypass the senses and affect your feelings. sound like a manic depressive to you? yeah, me too.
on a side note; bukowski was a genius not because he was a drunk, but b/c he was an unrepentant drunk. if bukowski had gone written a book about sobriety, the first one would have been angst-ridden and great. the rest of his work after that would have been cheesy and bucolic.
bukowski was one of the beat writers in my mind. beat writers were all about the "everyman" that you could relate to, working outside of the confines of society and therefore able to get a clearer picture of the way we are as a race. bukowski's best moments are when he is either saying exactlty what he thinks, and he is an asshole, or commenting on his own failures.
so, enough of that.
by the way, on a side note: kind of going through a "rent" phase right now. holy crap, that show is amazing! that is all, carry on :)
8:54 AM - jackson pollock, abstract expressionism and bukowski....go!
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
my friend ryan wrote an interesting blog that i responded to and then i decide to open up the conversation and see who though i was full of shite or what. i am lucky enough to have many intelligent and well informed friends. what do you guys think?
here's an excerpt of my friend's blog:
"....and i dont buy that the spark of creativity strikes hard and fast and requires the artist to move quickly to capture it. if a guy paints a 120' x 180' mural in 35 minutes, he's just trying to get done. theres no way a canvas that large could be covered with any thematic or creative concern that quickly. sorry. nope.
so i dont know. i know the guy did some great stuff. but i do think, if the film is accurate, he was f&*ing around to get done so he could get to his next important work, popping the cap off that beer.
but thats the advantage of painging, i suppose. bukoiwski liked his booze as much as the next guy, but i would think if he just randomly dumped keystrokes onto the page just to fill it up, he'd have a lot harder time convincing anyone it was genius"
ryan,
the genuis of pollock was not where he laid the paint, but that he understood the dimension of time in the act of painting. i would argue that pollock's paintings were an extension of cubism in that cubism dealt with time and space as honestly as one could.
cubism actually anticipates relativity when you understand that the initial painting of cubism "les madamoiselles d'avignion" begins by showing the face and the profile at the same time, something that relativity states postulates is possible if one is traveling at the speed of light.
basically, the marks that pollock is making on the canvas are a document of his movement around that canvas. the fact that is may be aestetically pleasing is entirely besides the point. pollock's work is about time and basic mark-making. pollock may have not always understood that, but thats why he is an important artist.
most people never really understood abstract expressionism outside of the art work b/c it was a bunch of artists talking to each other. to wit; mark rothko is an amazing painter. he's the one that did those huge fields of colour on a canvas.
the pictures dont look very impressive in a book and more often than not, some smart-arse says "oh, yeah, i could do that".
i happen to be lucky enough to see a rothko show in paris. those paintings are huge. rothko intended the works to be viewed up close so that one painting would fill your peripheral vision. mark rothko was a manic depressive working in a little attic studio in the villlage in NY before it was cool, back when it was a ghetto.
his paintings are actually many thin layers of colour undulating to make one deep, rich tone juxtaposed with another. rothko considered his works to be emotional landscapes that would bypass the senses and affect your feelings. sound like a manic depressive to you? yeah, me too.
on a side note; bukowski was a genius not because he was a drunk, but b/c he was an unrepentant drunk. if bukowski had gone written a book about sobriety, the first one would have been angst-ridden and great. the rest of his work after that would have been cheesy and bucolic.
bukowski was one of the beat writers in my mind. beat writers were all about the "everyman" that you could relate to, working outside of the confines of society and therefore able to get a clearer picture of the way we are as a race. bukowski's best moments are when he is either saying exactlty what he thinks, and he is an asshole, or commenting on his own failures.
so, enough of that.
by the way, on a side note: kind of going through a "rent" phase right now. holy crap, that show is amazing! that is all, carry on :)
happy 30th...hmmmmm (a promissary note)
01 Sep 06 Friday
10:45 PM - happy 30th...hmmmmm (a promissary note)
Current mood: like a character in a werner herzog film
Category: like a character in a werner herzog film Fashion, Style, Shopping
so, yes.....oh my brothers and sisters; i, your humble narrator, has suddenly turned 30.
its far too strange for me to comprehend. theres so much to say, maybe too much to say. its bottlenecking inside of me. need to sit down and write out my blog. its kind of already written in my head (note to self:it starts out talking about our rats). anyway, i cant let today go by without at least marking it. theres no quiet place that i can sit down and write right now, so i'll wait until the house settles and i can get a moment to just it flow from me.
consider this a bookmark, a public promissary note to myself that i will write these things out. i have to, its threatening to burst from me like one of those aliens; and not the cool rip-you-apart james cameron aliens, but one of those catch-you-off-guard-at-dinner-and-kill-you-through-a-long-agonizing-tunneling-through-your-lower-intestines-ridley-scott kind.
soon....
10:45 PM - happy 30th...hmmmmm (a promissary note)
Current mood: like a character in a werner herzog film
Category: like a character in a werner herzog film Fashion, Style, Shopping
so, yes.....oh my brothers and sisters; i, your humble narrator, has suddenly turned 30.
its far too strange for me to comprehend. theres so much to say, maybe too much to say. its bottlenecking inside of me. need to sit down and write out my blog. its kind of already written in my head (note to self:it starts out talking about our rats). anyway, i cant let today go by without at least marking it. theres no quiet place that i can sit down and write right now, so i'll wait until the house settles and i can get a moment to just it flow from me.
consider this a bookmark, a public promissary note to myself that i will write these things out. i have to, its threatening to burst from me like one of those aliens; and not the cool rip-you-apart james cameron aliens, but one of those catch-you-off-guard-at-dinner-and-kill-you-through-a-long-agonizing-tunneling-through-your-lower-intestines-ridley-scott kind.
soon....
sometimes you just cant run or so it seems
10 Jul 06 Monday
9:54 PM - sometimes you just cant run or so it seems
Current mood: tired and distraught
Category: tired and distraught Fashion, Style, Shopping
so here i am again.
i've been meaning to blog for a little while. it seems that it's a kind of mental river and this is a healthy way to keep the flow in balance, if that makes any sense....
i cant sleep tonight.
my past is coming through to me in small short vignettes and its driving me nuts right now. i have been clean for two months and it seems that i am just at the beginning of a long road.
its hard for me to express myself lately, so i will try to do so as best i can. i guess i always write a blog assuming the reactions of my audience, but for just once, i want to write with reckless abandon.
i live in idaho with justin. i love justin very much. i realized today that i have complete faith in him, in a way that i never have before. i was reading a book and in it, the protagonist's wife leaves him for a lover and he is taken completely by shock. not because he is stupid, but because he trusts her so much that it never even crosses his mind that she is with someone else.
i realized that i have that same trust in justin and it scares me shitless. if justin were to cheat on me, it would crush me because i would never see it coming. that someone has that kind of power over me scares me because it means i could get hurt, but i guess if you really think about it, you give that trust to someone becasue you believe with all of your heart that they would never actually harm you.
we have our problems like any healthy couple that has only been together 7 months, but we always get it together at the last second.
as for me, well, i've put on a bit of weight recently. the end result is that i look healthy again, but i have a bit of a spare tire. i hate this. one of the things that kept me under the thumb of my particular weakness was the fear of losing my girlish figure, so to speak.
i really need to talk to someone, but who has the time? i'm so busy just trying to survive still that i havent had the time to lay down the right foundations for a long-term fortress. the siege has already begun.
today when i was in the shower(showering is when i do a lot of my thinkning becasue, well, what else is there to do?) i started remembering things. usually i can chase them away, but not today.
all i could/can think about was how good it felt the first time, or rather those times i had gotten my sytem clean enough to feel it again. remmebring the expressions on others' faces as well.
its kind of like high school. looking back on high school, i remmber how much i hated it, but some days i sit back and get caught up in a moebius strip of good memories and the ghost of the past doesnt seem to have such sharp claws.
went fishing the other day. it was a blast. went shooting on the fourth; aside from a distinct lack of hearing in my left ear for a while, it was a good time. justin's parents(read: father and stepmother) have been good at helping me learn how normal people relieve stress and tension, but cant really go fishing every day.
i have to find my own outlets, but i have none.
its funny, when i look back at some of my older blogs. blogs strike me as a kind of journal. i would usually blog when i was sober, because being fucked up, i had no urge to sit down that long. usually the sober voice of me in those blogs is the voice of someone who is quick witted and very hyper-aware....like a child again.
its not like that this time. i get bouts of dim-wittedness, where i just tune out completely(drives justin up a wall). i dont know what happened to that guy that referenced everything all the time.
maybe its idaho?
no one here, well most folk would look at me funny if i started referencing movies all of the time(my native language). its not that they're dumb, its just that its not their way up here. its not the way they think and talk.
i feel like i'm walking in a fog most of the time these days.
whats wrong with me?
maybe its my metabolism; maybe its low? would certainly seem to be after the last two years of accelerated existence.
i want to get back to LA quite badly, but a big part of me recognizes that i'm not ready yet.
one slip and i would lose justin. my entire life would simply unravel if i simply tasted the forbidden fruit. i let that shite eat away 2 years of my life....i'm going to be 30 soon and instead of working in film, i'm working for a fucking staffing company playing moron to construction companies. the jocks i hated in high school have their own work world and i fell into it.
sometimes i get super fucking pissed off about it, but then i realise that there is no one to blame but myself. so here we are back at the beginning, i guess. i know its bad, but for just another taste i would give most anything.
anything but justin.
i need help, but who has the time to seek it, and where can i get it in the middle of northern idaho?
if you read this all of the way through, i apologize for this whining session, but in order to get some sleep tonight, i was hoping to simply exorcise the demons floating in my head.
9:54 PM - sometimes you just cant run or so it seems
Current mood: tired and distraught
Category: tired and distraught Fashion, Style, Shopping
so here i am again.
i've been meaning to blog for a little while. it seems that it's a kind of mental river and this is a healthy way to keep the flow in balance, if that makes any sense....
i cant sleep tonight.
my past is coming through to me in small short vignettes and its driving me nuts right now. i have been clean for two months and it seems that i am just at the beginning of a long road.
its hard for me to express myself lately, so i will try to do so as best i can. i guess i always write a blog assuming the reactions of my audience, but for just once, i want to write with reckless abandon.
i live in idaho with justin. i love justin very much. i realized today that i have complete faith in him, in a way that i never have before. i was reading a book and in it, the protagonist's wife leaves him for a lover and he is taken completely by shock. not because he is stupid, but because he trusts her so much that it never even crosses his mind that she is with someone else.
i realized that i have that same trust in justin and it scares me shitless. if justin were to cheat on me, it would crush me because i would never see it coming. that someone has that kind of power over me scares me because it means i could get hurt, but i guess if you really think about it, you give that trust to someone becasue you believe with all of your heart that they would never actually harm you.
we have our problems like any healthy couple that has only been together 7 months, but we always get it together at the last second.
as for me, well, i've put on a bit of weight recently. the end result is that i look healthy again, but i have a bit of a spare tire. i hate this. one of the things that kept me under the thumb of my particular weakness was the fear of losing my girlish figure, so to speak.
i really need to talk to someone, but who has the time? i'm so busy just trying to survive still that i havent had the time to lay down the right foundations for a long-term fortress. the siege has already begun.
today when i was in the shower(showering is when i do a lot of my thinkning becasue, well, what else is there to do?) i started remembering things. usually i can chase them away, but not today.
all i could/can think about was how good it felt the first time, or rather those times i had gotten my sytem clean enough to feel it again. remmebring the expressions on others' faces as well.
its kind of like high school. looking back on high school, i remmber how much i hated it, but some days i sit back and get caught up in a moebius strip of good memories and the ghost of the past doesnt seem to have such sharp claws.
went fishing the other day. it was a blast. went shooting on the fourth; aside from a distinct lack of hearing in my left ear for a while, it was a good time. justin's parents(read: father and stepmother) have been good at helping me learn how normal people relieve stress and tension, but cant really go fishing every day.
i have to find my own outlets, but i have none.
its funny, when i look back at some of my older blogs. blogs strike me as a kind of journal. i would usually blog when i was sober, because being fucked up, i had no urge to sit down that long. usually the sober voice of me in those blogs is the voice of someone who is quick witted and very hyper-aware....like a child again.
its not like that this time. i get bouts of dim-wittedness, where i just tune out completely(drives justin up a wall). i dont know what happened to that guy that referenced everything all the time.
maybe its idaho?
no one here, well most folk would look at me funny if i started referencing movies all of the time(my native language). its not that they're dumb, its just that its not their way up here. its not the way they think and talk.
i feel like i'm walking in a fog most of the time these days.
whats wrong with me?
maybe its my metabolism; maybe its low? would certainly seem to be after the last two years of accelerated existence.
i want to get back to LA quite badly, but a big part of me recognizes that i'm not ready yet.
one slip and i would lose justin. my entire life would simply unravel if i simply tasted the forbidden fruit. i let that shite eat away 2 years of my life....i'm going to be 30 soon and instead of working in film, i'm working for a fucking staffing company playing moron to construction companies. the jocks i hated in high school have their own work world and i fell into it.
sometimes i get super fucking pissed off about it, but then i realise that there is no one to blame but myself. so here we are back at the beginning, i guess. i know its bad, but for just another taste i would give most anything.
anything but justin.
i need help, but who has the time to seek it, and where can i get it in the middle of northern idaho?
if you read this all of the way through, i apologize for this whining session, but in order to get some sleep tonight, i was hoping to simply exorcise the demons floating in my head.
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