11 Jun 06 Sunday
5:43 PM - a strange state of being
Current mood: climbing the walls
Category: climbing the walls Art and Photography
where were we?
oh yes, my brothers, i, your humble narrator, was deep in the mining towns of the great north woods.
well, things have kind of declined a bit.
its strange, really. i have been clean and sober almost a month and i have never had more reason to use.
to explain;
i used meth as an escape. i wanted to get away from the pain of a bad relationship, from a dull life, and from myself most importantly. justin pulled me out and he has been amazing. unfortuntly, i know that if something happened to "us", i would run to the first crackhead i could find. i realized that i'm sober for him more than me.
thats not really good. though its not entirely true, really.
when i have a moment to reflect on a few things, i realize that i have to do it for me as well.
i wasted 2 years of my life on that shite. its time to grow up.
no one WANTS to grow up, but eventually you HAVE to.
i swore to myself that i would age with grace and not be one of those idiots that tries to be 20 when he's 45. theres no onther path that assures that future than the one i was on.
i have met and crossed paths with many who sold their souls and their lives to pretend that they were 20 again.
i once told a good friend of mine that meth is an all or nothing proposition. at the time i meant that there was no "dabbling", either you do it or it consumes you. now i'm thinking that it means that its a trade off. you give it all for nothing in return. LA is full of people that think they're getting a brand new pair of golden clothes, but thy're only getting air.
its depressing to think that i was one of those people.speaking of depression;
i went to school for 18 and a half years ro so, total.
you know what i do every day? i commute up to coeur d'alene(45 minute drive) so i can sit at labour ready and get a job working some brainless constructiuon job.
justin got a job at McDonalds. w're barely making it.
i miss my home and my family. i miss my friends who can help me by reminding me who i am is not limited to whether or not i have abs.
i long to return to LA, but i need to do it on my terms.
we're barely limping by and neither of us is happy. we have each other and our newly adopted pet rat, anabelle(i got her for justin to cheer him up). life is simple, but so very very hard.
i've never been so poor and depressed.
justin's dad and stepmom are really cool, but theres really only so much that they can do....
justin and i will be going on 6 months soon. i love him very much. i know i sound like a whiney prick, but i want to go home. if i am going to withstand the temptations and trials of living in LA, i need to recharge my soul and i'm realizing thats not going to happen here.
theres no money, no comfort and few options. it takes people here weeks to do anything. i got an interview at a photgraphy place, but its next friday and i'm hands down the most qualified person in a 90 mile radius; thats not even a question, thats a promise. i didnt tell her that, but i did, humbly, list all of my qualifications and still....next fucking friday.
i'm adjusting to small town life, living in a trailer that leaks all the time (because it constantly rains - mind you, the rain is the only thing i DONT mind)
i need to get out of here.
i guess, one could argue that i have had some breathing room to get my head screwd on str8 and figure out what i need.
G-d has a wicked sense of humour. sometimes it feels like he has abandoned me here, but i've been thinking; what if he has? but what if its for my own good? what if he has left me in the proverbial "corner" to think about things for a while? the dunce hat certainly would be fitting...he he. the reason that i still blog on this thing is that it helps me to organize my thoughts. thats why they usually play out very stream-of-consciousness-like.
what i need is to get out of here and go home. i have a room at my mom and dad's house, rent-free. we have to pay to live in our leaky trailer. as soon as i can get the money together for petrol, i want out.
gotta run,
have a bunch more things to do and only so much time on the internet.
btw-my phone has been suspended; T-mobile doesnt have any presence in the silver valley....AT ALL. i will try to have my phone back on by august.
cheers.
ps-if any of you know any stock photgraphy websites that i can post to and get a few bucks from, that would help me out a lot, thanks.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
things that go bump in the night; and other things from the walthers catalogue.....
24 May 06 Wednesday
9:09 PM - things that go bump in the night; and other things from the walthers catalogue.....
Current mood: strange, but okay
Category: strange, but okay Movies, TV, Celebrities
dear mom,
so....here i sit in wallace idaho.
yup, thats right, just outside of kellogg and just down the ol' 95 from
coeur d'alene (pronounced core-delane for all you outside folk). let me
tell you how fucking strange this place is and how i got here.
for those of you who know me well, you will understand when i say that
i have never been in love like i am with justin pennington. ryan who?
the wounds from 5 years ago have healed and i have let this person in
further than i ever thought i was capable of. today is our 5 month
anniversary and we still are going strong. moving to idaho was a
disaster, but yet since G-d works in such starnge ways, we are closer
than ever.
heres the back story:
justin's mom offered him room and help with board as well as a job. we
talked about it (it was to be a 3 month gig with her bf, kurt) and we
both agreed it was a good opportunity for him to be with his family and
earn some extra money. i knew that my drug use had flared up and i was
in danger of being lost again, and lets be honest here; 3 months
without justin would have killed me(because of my self-destructive
behavior).
so i packed up my few things and threw some in a car and moved to idaho
with justin.
theres a line in "america" by simon and garfunkel:
"let us be lovers, we'll marry our fortunes together"
well, thats kinda what we did. lumped our money together and drove
through the dark and forbidding lands of the mormons (remind me to
opine about utah some time). well..................
it seems that on the way up here, "mom" desided to change her mind and
recinded the job offer; then when we got up here, she wasnt going to
help us find a place to stay unless it was in the room next door to
hers(where she apparently wanted to keep an eye on us...well, "spy' is
the word that was used.
we had no jobs, no place to go, and i had just packed my life into a
toyota on faith. it looked like we were screwed, but then justin's dad
and stepmom stepped in. they helped us out in so many ways it is hard
to describe.
justin's memories of his father were much like my memories of my
stepfather growing up, but the stories told of suffering far worse than
my particular idiot-tyrant-step-parent could have imagined. he had
trouble with justin's homosexuality and my existance didnt help much. i
didnt want to meet him and the feeling was mutual. we pull up and
justin goes in to talk to them. i wait and then suddenly j comes out
and tells me his dad wants to meet me.
my first thought is:;
"great, he's sizing me up so he can kill me later"
but i was wrong, it seems. G-d has wrought a trmendous change in his
father and he's a pretty fun guy...little rough around the edges(much
like my present stepfather, "pops").
hell, we just went hiking up the mountain this evening, just him and
i......
i cant seem to get over it.
his stepmom, heidi, has been our dearest friend and best ally since we
got here.
i am stone sober these days. justin is happy about that and i just feel
right about it... i dont think about it much. strange as it was only a
week or so ago, but i dont think about meth except in passing when
doing this blog stuff. in fact thats the first time i've thought about
it since we got here. i threw away my accoutrements and the like at a
rest stop in montana.
heres the punchline....
i live in the mountains of idaho. it looks like a model railroad set,
complete with tracks that go over mad rivers and logging trails that
swirl up mountains of pine trees. the towns up here are all mining or
logging towns, or were, respectively.
because we were displaced, justin and i ended up borrowing his dad's
old camper trailer.
yes, thats right, mom...i live in a trailer. no internet and my phone
service doesnt work in the valley where i live...i need to drive 45
minutes to get phone reception.
i keep telling justin that i cant wait until we get a double-wide
apartment in LA.
but heres the amazing thing...i go to bed like my parents do...read:
before 10pm, and get to wake up holding justin after we fall asleep
listening to the soft idaho rain falling onto the tarp covering our
trailer.
i love watching him laugh here. he never laughed like this back in CA.
i hope i can keep him laughing like that when we get back.
mom, he brings out the best in me, without even thinknig about it.
we're like a married couple, well, more like newlyweds. in fact, its
like starting over with him.
its kind of like "october sky" meets "barefoot in the park"
i couldnt be happier.
(but dont get me wrong, i CANNOT WAIT until we move back to LA)
with love,
your son,
b/k
ps- i will try and write more so that you know whats going on with me,
but its kinda rare that i can get to a computer.
9:09 PM - things that go bump in the night; and other things from the walthers catalogue.....
Current mood: strange, but okay
Category: strange, but okay Movies, TV, Celebrities
dear mom,
so....here i sit in wallace idaho.
yup, thats right, just outside of kellogg and just down the ol' 95 from
coeur d'alene (pronounced core-delane for all you outside folk). let me
tell you how fucking strange this place is and how i got here.
for those of you who know me well, you will understand when i say that
i have never been in love like i am with justin pennington. ryan who?
the wounds from 5 years ago have healed and i have let this person in
further than i ever thought i was capable of. today is our 5 month
anniversary and we still are going strong. moving to idaho was a
disaster, but yet since G-d works in such starnge ways, we are closer
than ever.
heres the back story:
justin's mom offered him room and help with board as well as a job. we
talked about it (it was to be a 3 month gig with her bf, kurt) and we
both agreed it was a good opportunity for him to be with his family and
earn some extra money. i knew that my drug use had flared up and i was
in danger of being lost again, and lets be honest here; 3 months
without justin would have killed me(because of my self-destructive
behavior).
so i packed up my few things and threw some in a car and moved to idaho
with justin.
theres a line in "america" by simon and garfunkel:
"let us be lovers, we'll marry our fortunes together"
well, thats kinda what we did. lumped our money together and drove
through the dark and forbidding lands of the mormons (remind me to
opine about utah some time). well..................
it seems that on the way up here, "mom" desided to change her mind and
recinded the job offer; then when we got up here, she wasnt going to
help us find a place to stay unless it was in the room next door to
hers(where she apparently wanted to keep an eye on us...well, "spy' is
the word that was used.
we had no jobs, no place to go, and i had just packed my life into a
toyota on faith. it looked like we were screwed, but then justin's dad
and stepmom stepped in. they helped us out in so many ways it is hard
to describe.
justin's memories of his father were much like my memories of my
stepfather growing up, but the stories told of suffering far worse than
my particular idiot-tyrant-step-parent could have imagined. he had
trouble with justin's homosexuality and my existance didnt help much. i
didnt want to meet him and the feeling was mutual. we pull up and
justin goes in to talk to them. i wait and then suddenly j comes out
and tells me his dad wants to meet me.
my first thought is:;
"great, he's sizing me up so he can kill me later"
but i was wrong, it seems. G-d has wrought a trmendous change in his
father and he's a pretty fun guy...little rough around the edges(much
like my present stepfather, "pops").
hell, we just went hiking up the mountain this evening, just him and
i......
i cant seem to get over it.
his stepmom, heidi, has been our dearest friend and best ally since we
got here.
i am stone sober these days. justin is happy about that and i just feel
right about it... i dont think about it much. strange as it was only a
week or so ago, but i dont think about meth except in passing when
doing this blog stuff. in fact thats the first time i've thought about
it since we got here. i threw away my accoutrements and the like at a
rest stop in montana.
heres the punchline....
i live in the mountains of idaho. it looks like a model railroad set,
complete with tracks that go over mad rivers and logging trails that
swirl up mountains of pine trees. the towns up here are all mining or
logging towns, or were, respectively.
because we were displaced, justin and i ended up borrowing his dad's
old camper trailer.
yes, thats right, mom...i live in a trailer. no internet and my phone
service doesnt work in the valley where i live...i need to drive 45
minutes to get phone reception.
i keep telling justin that i cant wait until we get a double-wide
apartment in LA.
but heres the amazing thing...i go to bed like my parents do...read:
before 10pm, and get to wake up holding justin after we fall asleep
listening to the soft idaho rain falling onto the tarp covering our
trailer.
i love watching him laugh here. he never laughed like this back in CA.
i hope i can keep him laughing like that when we get back.
mom, he brings out the best in me, without even thinknig about it.
we're like a married couple, well, more like newlyweds. in fact, its
like starting over with him.
its kind of like "october sky" meets "barefoot in the park"
i couldnt be happier.
(but dont get me wrong, i CANNOT WAIT until we move back to LA)
with love,
your son,
b/k
ps- i will try and write more so that you know whats going on with me,
but its kinda rare that i can get to a computer.
shifting gears without a clutch
14 Apr 06 Friday
12:41 AM - shifting gears without a clutch
Current mood: violently happy
Category: violently happy Fashion, Style, Shopping
so....
normally i am sitting in front of my computer at home listening to
something somber. at the moment i am in palm springs, at justin's
house. he is playing some video game and i'm just taking a moment to
reflect on a rather bizarre turn of events.
there have been two people that, if i had the means, i would have had
removed from the earth. one of them is a regular email correspondant
now and the other has offered a olive branch of such earnest weight
that i have no choice but to consider it.
these are the people that taught me to hate.
there are times when life seems to shift gears and not tell you.
justin and i have been together almost 4 motnths and i couldnt be
happier with our relationship. truth be told, i havent figured out how
i havent fucked it up yet, lol. everytime that we come to a problem,
one of us has the exact right thing to say at exactly the right time,
and it all works out.
justin knows all of my faults and still loves me. he even knows jacob
(in passing). he has been my life-buoy in a turbulent time and i dont
know if i have ever yet been able to tell him how much he means to me.
i know it all sounds cheesy and very dan fogelberg, but i wanted a good
blog amongst all of my angst-ridden diatribes.
theres actually a lot to be angst-ridden about, but i have to process
it before i can write it out. besides; its amazing what a little sun
and a few days by the pool does for your demeanor
off to bed.......:)
cheers
12:41 AM - shifting gears without a clutch
Current mood: violently happy
Category: violently happy Fashion, Style, Shopping
so....
normally i am sitting in front of my computer at home listening to
something somber. at the moment i am in palm springs, at justin's
house. he is playing some video game and i'm just taking a moment to
reflect on a rather bizarre turn of events.
there have been two people that, if i had the means, i would have had
removed from the earth. one of them is a regular email correspondant
now and the other has offered a olive branch of such earnest weight
that i have no choice but to consider it.
these are the people that taught me to hate.
there are times when life seems to shift gears and not tell you.
justin and i have been together almost 4 motnths and i couldnt be
happier with our relationship. truth be told, i havent figured out how
i havent fucked it up yet, lol. everytime that we come to a problem,
one of us has the exact right thing to say at exactly the right time,
and it all works out.
justin knows all of my faults and still loves me. he even knows jacob
(in passing). he has been my life-buoy in a turbulent time and i dont
know if i have ever yet been able to tell him how much he means to me.
i know it all sounds cheesy and very dan fogelberg, but i wanted a good
blog amongst all of my angst-ridden diatribes.
theres actually a lot to be angst-ridden about, but i have to process
it before i can write it out. besides; its amazing what a little sun
and a few days by the pool does for your demeanor
off to bed.......:)
cheers
who needs shelter from the sun?
25 Mar 06 Saturday
10:41 PM - who needs shelter from the sun?
Category: Pets and Animals
so...what the fuck?
how is that the hardest thing to do is ALWAYs the fucking RIGHT thing to do?
my career as a DP has been so great lately...
i shot dave's film and it looked great..without a video tap, dave got the film he wanted...EXACTLY
i spent 3 months in pre-pro with nick and a hellish week of prep and a nightmare of a shoot that was only made possible by an AMAZINg crew. nick and i just did telecine last night.
i gambled to be perfectly honest..
anyone who knows me knows that i never gamble unless i know the outcome before. to me, gambling is not knowing the outcome 100 percent.
it paid off, even though it could have blown up badly in my face, i somehow found the exact colourist that i needed to fiind in LA...i.e.-i saw some of his reel in the lobby of post logic and he was THE PERFECT guy to time my work.
creepy.
well for me at least.
see, i didnt see his work until nick and i were walking out(after i had timed 2 films with him)
the footage looks gorgeous and my reputation at LMU has been secured.
i also have found an amzing AC that i would let operate for me...i am a snob and incredibly egotistical about my eye and my composition and i think that he is as good or better than i am. there is no higher compliment in my world.
so...found an operator, have options for gaffers, found a director that i am sympatico with and a colourist for when the shoot is over..its all falling into place and i am amazed.
my career is going REALLY fucking well.
then i got an offer to work on a short 48 hour film project for IMDB credit.
let me say that again...
IMDB credit.......
i have worked my whole life to get that and more to the point i got DP credit.
ready for the punchline?
my personal life is so disasterous i cannot begin to enumerate the legion of issues.
i love my boyfriend, justin, but we have way more issues than i think he is aware of..no, i know that he has no idea.
i'm still unbelievably poor.
i dont know what to do about work. justin is having a hunky fucking dory time and doing fabulously well. i just wish i could turn off my humanity just as well as he can...oh wait i can..it just requires becoming a different human being..no..it requires being a monster.
you know..when robert louis stevenson let his wife read teh first draft of jekyll and hyde, she begged him to burn it; which he subsequently did...
i always thought she was a bit of a bitch for that.
it occurs to me as i write this that maybe she understood what she was reading. maybe she understood innately that she was seeing a part of her husband that he had always hid from her. the "stranger" of billy joel fame.
we hide away our deepest selves. glenn worked for 2 years and he never saw what i gave to ryan in 2 days.
i dated justin (the first one) because i knew that he wouldnt judge me because he was just as bad as i was. i cant date or be comfortable with good people becasue i donty think that i belong amongst them.
becasue i know my "hyde" side very very well.
rememebr that cartoon with the sheep dog and the wolf and how they would punch in and then go to work being natural enemies? it works as humor becasue of the scene where they clock in.
i feel like jacob and i sort of take turns driving. when i get tired, i punch out and let jacob take the wheel. the sucky part is that he runs into things, backs into poles and runs over old ladies(all metaphorically speaking)
i fucking hate jacob.
at the same time, i have come to rely on him.
when i'm working on a set, sometimes i will delegate to my gaffer with the words, "you have complete autonomy" which means, this is your chance to light a scene, go have fun, you know what i want, work in those perameters.
i feel like i do that with jacob.
complete autonomy for a few days..just dont kill me too much.
i have given him a few days for ever few that he gives me and it seems to be working.
you know, in lord of the rings, i always sympathised with gollum, but the films made me re-think a bit and i beleive that the saddest characters are the ring-wraiths.
not alive, not dead, trapped into servitude of an evil they could have avoided if only they hadnt been blinded by their selfishness and greed.
i have hope...
after all...ST. Augustine lead a long life of sin before he was saved.
his mother prayed daily for her son.
i have many people who are pulkling for me..shouldnt the odds be more stacked for me?
on nicks shoot, some of th same things happened with the weather...
we would sahoot a scene in the am and then it would snow for a as long as it took to get the camera set up in location after lunch and the clouds would part.
my defining moment for dave:
when we first parked the RV that 14 of us were going ot be living in for 3 days at the campsite, i got out to use a bush or something and a few of us piled out. it was a full moon and th valley that we were in looked like something directly out of a john ford movies. it was night time in the old west; just like i remmeber from the old movies.
i knew that dave would understand this reference so i yelled out for dave to come take a look.
i told him the john ford thing.
he just looked at the moon for a second and simply said,:
"now tell me theres no G-d"
touche.
i just looked over and all i felt was amzing respect and shame that that wasnt my first thought.
G-d has brough a lot of good people in my life... and subsequebtly it has been harder to be bad(though i seem to find ways)
i just get tired of being me.
i'm rambling.
tired.
cheers
10:41 PM - who needs shelter from the sun?
Category: Pets and Animals
so...what the fuck?
how is that the hardest thing to do is ALWAYs the fucking RIGHT thing to do?
my career as a DP has been so great lately...
i shot dave's film and it looked great..without a video tap, dave got the film he wanted...EXACTLY
i spent 3 months in pre-pro with nick and a hellish week of prep and a nightmare of a shoot that was only made possible by an AMAZINg crew. nick and i just did telecine last night.
i gambled to be perfectly honest..
anyone who knows me knows that i never gamble unless i know the outcome before. to me, gambling is not knowing the outcome 100 percent.
it paid off, even though it could have blown up badly in my face, i somehow found the exact colourist that i needed to fiind in LA...i.e.-i saw some of his reel in the lobby of post logic and he was THE PERFECT guy to time my work.
creepy.
well for me at least.
see, i didnt see his work until nick and i were walking out(after i had timed 2 films with him)
the footage looks gorgeous and my reputation at LMU has been secured.
i also have found an amzing AC that i would let operate for me...i am a snob and incredibly egotistical about my eye and my composition and i think that he is as good or better than i am. there is no higher compliment in my world.
so...found an operator, have options for gaffers, found a director that i am sympatico with and a colourist for when the shoot is over..its all falling into place and i am amazed.
my career is going REALLY fucking well.
then i got an offer to work on a short 48 hour film project for IMDB credit.
let me say that again...
IMDB credit.......
i have worked my whole life to get that and more to the point i got DP credit.
ready for the punchline?
my personal life is so disasterous i cannot begin to enumerate the legion of issues.
i love my boyfriend, justin, but we have way more issues than i think he is aware of..no, i know that he has no idea.
i'm still unbelievably poor.
i dont know what to do about work. justin is having a hunky fucking dory time and doing fabulously well. i just wish i could turn off my humanity just as well as he can...oh wait i can..it just requires becoming a different human being..no..it requires being a monster.
you know..when robert louis stevenson let his wife read teh first draft of jekyll and hyde, she begged him to burn it; which he subsequently did...
i always thought she was a bit of a bitch for that.
it occurs to me as i write this that maybe she understood what she was reading. maybe she understood innately that she was seeing a part of her husband that he had always hid from her. the "stranger" of billy joel fame.
we hide away our deepest selves. glenn worked for 2 years and he never saw what i gave to ryan in 2 days.
i dated justin (the first one) because i knew that he wouldnt judge me because he was just as bad as i was. i cant date or be comfortable with good people becasue i donty think that i belong amongst them.
becasue i know my "hyde" side very very well.
rememebr that cartoon with the sheep dog and the wolf and how they would punch in and then go to work being natural enemies? it works as humor becasue of the scene where they clock in.
i feel like jacob and i sort of take turns driving. when i get tired, i punch out and let jacob take the wheel. the sucky part is that he runs into things, backs into poles and runs over old ladies(all metaphorically speaking)
i fucking hate jacob.
at the same time, i have come to rely on him.
when i'm working on a set, sometimes i will delegate to my gaffer with the words, "you have complete autonomy" which means, this is your chance to light a scene, go have fun, you know what i want, work in those perameters.
i feel like i do that with jacob.
complete autonomy for a few days..just dont kill me too much.
i have given him a few days for ever few that he gives me and it seems to be working.
you know, in lord of the rings, i always sympathised with gollum, but the films made me re-think a bit and i beleive that the saddest characters are the ring-wraiths.
not alive, not dead, trapped into servitude of an evil they could have avoided if only they hadnt been blinded by their selfishness and greed.
i have hope...
after all...ST. Augustine lead a long life of sin before he was saved.
his mother prayed daily for her son.
i have many people who are pulkling for me..shouldnt the odds be more stacked for me?
on nicks shoot, some of th same things happened with the weather...
we would sahoot a scene in the am and then it would snow for a as long as it took to get the camera set up in location after lunch and the clouds would part.
my defining moment for dave:
when we first parked the RV that 14 of us were going ot be living in for 3 days at the campsite, i got out to use a bush or something and a few of us piled out. it was a full moon and th valley that we were in looked like something directly out of a john ford movies. it was night time in the old west; just like i remmeber from the old movies.
i knew that dave would understand this reference so i yelled out for dave to come take a look.
i told him the john ford thing.
he just looked at the moon for a second and simply said,:
"now tell me theres no G-d"
touche.
i just looked over and all i felt was amzing respect and shame that that wasnt my first thought.
G-d has brough a lot of good people in my life... and subsequebtly it has been harder to be bad(though i seem to find ways)
i just get tired of being me.
i'm rambling.
tired.
cheers
so maybe its all worth it.........
11 Mar 06 Saturday
2:16 PM - so maybe its all worth it.........
Category: Automotive
so.......
here i am listening to death cab again and blogging.
i was talking to an old friend of mine yesterday and he pointed out the absurdity of the fact that "blogging" is a perfectly understandable word, but that it was a strange word to communicate what it was, the concept, that is.
if that makes sense.
what did we do before the internet?
i honestly cant remember. i think i read a lot more. i was about the same socially; correction- i talk to more people now because i can overcome my social awkwardness by a litany of subterfuges.
last weekend i shot dave's film. then on thursday we went to post logic on vine and yucca.
for the first time and hopefully not the last, i felt almost like a professional. we walked in and worked with the colourist, mike.
for those of you who havent heard me go ove4r the process, film is exposed then processed and then on student and television shoots, the film is then digitally transfered onto tape so that it can be edited .
telecine is the name for the transfer process.
telecine is where the film is really made at the student level. this is when the director and producer who paid tfor the production see if the footage is worth what they spent.
let me share something quickly.
i have always beleived in G-d. but it has bena long time since i felt his hand directly. it seems that he is all around me and gently nudging me back like the prodigal son that i feel that i am.
i joke that He and i arent talking right now, but its my fault. let me correct.
he's talking to me, but i am not listening.
i'm a jew because i couldnt find more than 3 real christians. i met my fourth.
david menenberg.
we went to shoot and it wasnt easy but dave got exactly what he wanted, or so i believe, at any rate he got exactly what i promised him.
to wit, when we showed up on friday morning it was raining. friday was supposed to be all exteriors. i got behind the camera to start shooting and the clouds parted and the sun came out. there are 12 or so witnesses to this.
in high school i read scorcese's biography and they talked about how in "last temptation" during the crucifiction scene there is a shot of willem dafoe hangin gon the cross and behind him the sky becomes black. this was no special effect. if you look at the other shots, they dont quite match. during the shot, the sky changed as if by divine intervention.
can you imagine being the operator and looking through the eyepiece as this is happening.
i can, now...
say what you will, but there are 12 born-again christian actors and a film that is the most deeply religious film i have ever seen. mel gibson's film is to idiots what last temptation is to the thinking christian. distilled: they both try to show you what it was that christ went through for us.
i truly believe that G-d stepped in for dave. dont get me wrong, it was a tough shoot, but an incredible crew, an amazing gaffer, and a crack crew of AC's helped make it all possible.
i was still unsure how all of the footage was going to turn out. a friend once told me that no one ever makes a mistake on purpose(though that friend ironically is still raking me over hot coals for a mistake) so i was nervous about the footage
what if i forgot to carry the one, metaphorically speaking?
showed up for telecine and the footage was gorgeous. i usually adjust about a stop and a half so that i get more informatin and a thicker negative and even the unadjusted image was good.
i'm really proud of what i shot for dave and he seems to be happy with it(which is ultimately my goal)
i guess i'm kind of a big golden retriever; i just need to get a pat on the head once and a while and make sure that my master is happy to be content. i guess i have a bit of a pack animal mentality.
i beleive in set hierarchy and i learned from ender's game how to run a good crew and lead men, but like hephestion, i still need a good commander
rob richardson keeps a journal and in it, after his first set of tests for kill bill, he wrote "confidence shattered, must continue...."
i feel the opposite.
confidence renewed. i have to try not to get cocky. though, apparently i will have ryan to remind me of my past for a long time come.
what is it with fucking ryans?
ryan james joseph hallett - broke my heart and crushed my soul so badly that i am still dealing with the shockwave 5 years later. my romantic life resembles hiroshima in far too many ways. theres a picture of downtown hiroshima at ground zero.....there is a building standing but everything around it is leveled. the building is a skeleton of itself. speaks for itself.
ryan - a short but rocky run down love's rapids this past summer
ryan tungate - a great friend of mine that i hurt and disappointed. completely unable to help me move past my past. everytime i think that we are okay and have moved past it all, i get an email that drags me back into my past. i dont think he understands what he is doing when this happens. they say that when the nervous system gets overloaded with pain, it shuts off-burn victims, for example feel nothing after a bit of extreme agony.
after being stabbed so many times, caesar died. at what point will i stop feeling pain and shut him off completely? i hope never, but he is relentless.
i'm just thinking out loud.
i dont expect anyone will actually read this far, lol.
the punchline is that nick's film is coming up next weekend.
that shoot should become the stuff of legend and i'm proud to be part of it.
not to mention that the footage should look amazing.
spending a few minutes listening to G-d wouldnt hurt either.....
cheers
2:16 PM - so maybe its all worth it.........
Category: Automotive
so.......
here i am listening to death cab again and blogging.
i was talking to an old friend of mine yesterday and he pointed out the absurdity of the fact that "blogging" is a perfectly understandable word, but that it was a strange word to communicate what it was, the concept, that is.
if that makes sense.
what did we do before the internet?
i honestly cant remember. i think i read a lot more. i was about the same socially; correction- i talk to more people now because i can overcome my social awkwardness by a litany of subterfuges.
last weekend i shot dave's film. then on thursday we went to post logic on vine and yucca.
for the first time and hopefully not the last, i felt almost like a professional. we walked in and worked with the colourist, mike.
for those of you who havent heard me go ove4r the process, film is exposed then processed and then on student and television shoots, the film is then digitally transfered onto tape so that it can be edited .
telecine is the name for the transfer process.
telecine is where the film is really made at the student level. this is when the director and producer who paid tfor the production see if the footage is worth what they spent.
let me share something quickly.
i have always beleived in G-d. but it has bena long time since i felt his hand directly. it seems that he is all around me and gently nudging me back like the prodigal son that i feel that i am.
i joke that He and i arent talking right now, but its my fault. let me correct.
he's talking to me, but i am not listening.
i'm a jew because i couldnt find more than 3 real christians. i met my fourth.
david menenberg.
we went to shoot and it wasnt easy but dave got exactly what he wanted, or so i believe, at any rate he got exactly what i promised him.
to wit, when we showed up on friday morning it was raining. friday was supposed to be all exteriors. i got behind the camera to start shooting and the clouds parted and the sun came out. there are 12 or so witnesses to this.
in high school i read scorcese's biography and they talked about how in "last temptation" during the crucifiction scene there is a shot of willem dafoe hangin gon the cross and behind him the sky becomes black. this was no special effect. if you look at the other shots, they dont quite match. during the shot, the sky changed as if by divine intervention.
can you imagine being the operator and looking through the eyepiece as this is happening.
i can, now...
say what you will, but there are 12 born-again christian actors and a film that is the most deeply religious film i have ever seen. mel gibson's film is to idiots what last temptation is to the thinking christian. distilled: they both try to show you what it was that christ went through for us.
i truly believe that G-d stepped in for dave. dont get me wrong, it was a tough shoot, but an incredible crew, an amazing gaffer, and a crack crew of AC's helped make it all possible.
i was still unsure how all of the footage was going to turn out. a friend once told me that no one ever makes a mistake on purpose(though that friend ironically is still raking me over hot coals for a mistake) so i was nervous about the footage
what if i forgot to carry the one, metaphorically speaking?
showed up for telecine and the footage was gorgeous. i usually adjust about a stop and a half so that i get more informatin and a thicker negative and even the unadjusted image was good.
i'm really proud of what i shot for dave and he seems to be happy with it(which is ultimately my goal)
i guess i'm kind of a big golden retriever; i just need to get a pat on the head once and a while and make sure that my master is happy to be content. i guess i have a bit of a pack animal mentality.
i beleive in set hierarchy and i learned from ender's game how to run a good crew and lead men, but like hephestion, i still need a good commander
rob richardson keeps a journal and in it, after his first set of tests for kill bill, he wrote "confidence shattered, must continue...."
i feel the opposite.
confidence renewed. i have to try not to get cocky. though, apparently i will have ryan to remind me of my past for a long time come.
what is it with fucking ryans?
ryan james joseph hallett - broke my heart and crushed my soul so badly that i am still dealing with the shockwave 5 years later. my romantic life resembles hiroshima in far too many ways. theres a picture of downtown hiroshima at ground zero.....there is a building standing but everything around it is leveled. the building is a skeleton of itself. speaks for itself.
ryan - a short but rocky run down love's rapids this past summer
ryan tungate - a great friend of mine that i hurt and disappointed. completely unable to help me move past my past. everytime i think that we are okay and have moved past it all, i get an email that drags me back into my past. i dont think he understands what he is doing when this happens. they say that when the nervous system gets overloaded with pain, it shuts off-burn victims, for example feel nothing after a bit of extreme agony.
after being stabbed so many times, caesar died. at what point will i stop feeling pain and shut him off completely? i hope never, but he is relentless.
i'm just thinking out loud.
i dont expect anyone will actually read this far, lol.
the punchline is that nick's film is coming up next weekend.
that shoot should become the stuff of legend and i'm proud to be part of it.
not to mention that the footage should look amazing.
spending a few minutes listening to G-d wouldnt hurt either.....
cheers
....and........scene. part one
26 Feb 06 Sunday
6:14 PM - ....and........scene. part one
Current mood: none; or other
Category: none; or other Goals, Plans, Hopes
so.
i just had a monologue in which i just expressed all of my fears and hopes and realised some of the things that i was/am truly afraid of.....heres the punchline;
i stopped halfway through realizing that i shouldf be writihng this down because it made great dramatic dialogue.
does this mean that i have officially gone "LA"...whatever the fuck that means.
i am so tired of apologizing for this town. on my worst days, a tiny part of me loves LA, you know why?
this town will push you to your limits.
they say that NY'ers have their identities vested in the city, but in LA ur forced to deal with yourself and your own identity.
this town will test you and more importantly; this town will break you...sometime some how, it will break you
i drown once when i was a kid.
my mom alweays tells me that i survived becasue i hadnt done what i was put on this earth to do....kind of a head trip when you're a 6 year old.
thomas keneally said in his book"gift of the jews" that the defining moment in western civilization was when G-d spoke to abraham and said "i am rthe G-d of your fathers, lechi lach; go forth and make a great nation ".
in that moment, the idea of self, the idea of vocation and lineage. the ideas that are the basic tenets of our society were created.
sometimes i feel like abraham, if its not too obscenly egotistical to say so.
i was born to shoot film. it has always been my vocation.....
ever since i was a child, i have felt the weight of greatness on my shoulders.
that doesnt mean that i feel predestined to be great (though one can always hope), but rather...i understood early that i could be great and that for some reason i was spared...that put me ahead in the stats as far as i was concerned. i have always felt the weigh of personal expectation to be great...to deserve that rescue. i have to deserve waking up on that beach, bewildered and cold(sorry-sombre music makes me morose and dramatic at times).
this whole thread comes on the heels of an interesting day.
i met a friend of mine for coffee and we talked about many things. its the end of the month and that means that i am trying to figure out how the hell i'm going to make rent with out peddling my arse on santa monica blvd.
i went to samy's camera as a welcome distraction and i asked the sales clerk a few simple questions, ending with an off-the-cuff inquiry about job openings. first off, the guy was from my home towm...used to work at helix, for those of you in the know. i basically got offered the position by the guy. i apparently exude knowledge and they need a guy for sales in their grip dept.
heres the twist.....
i cant shoot.
LMU shoots start on friday and end on sunday....might as well thursday as a pre-pro day. samy's is a FULL-time job.
like keslow was....
speaking of which; i had to call them and ask for a quote for a cam package...not sure how i feel about that place...pretty sure they dont like me.
a long time ago, i was forced to make a decision betwixt shooting and working. i chose shooting.
i'm tired of living hand to mouth.
show up with a resume and i have the job
not being able to shoot was one of the key factors in my being a crackhead. is that a cop-out?
i was the key factor in being a crackhead, but my soul demands to be fed...its like a twist on little shop of horrors. if i dont feed it, it withers and dies and i get overgrown with big green talking venus fly-traps that talk like isaac hayes......
i edit my reel tomorrow.
i apply at samy's tomorrow night, if not tuesday morning.
theres so much more going on;
...but thats....another story....
this blog was brought to you by the letters K, L, and the number 5 (no significance in the chosen alpha-numerics, those letters had better agents)
6:14 PM - ....and........scene. part one
Current mood: none; or other
Category: none; or other Goals, Plans, Hopes
so.
i just had a monologue in which i just expressed all of my fears and hopes and realised some of the things that i was/am truly afraid of.....heres the punchline;
i stopped halfway through realizing that i shouldf be writihng this down because it made great dramatic dialogue.
does this mean that i have officially gone "LA"...whatever the fuck that means.
i am so tired of apologizing for this town. on my worst days, a tiny part of me loves LA, you know why?
this town will push you to your limits.
they say that NY'ers have their identities vested in the city, but in LA ur forced to deal with yourself and your own identity.
this town will test you and more importantly; this town will break you...sometime some how, it will break you
i drown once when i was a kid.
my mom alweays tells me that i survived becasue i hadnt done what i was put on this earth to do....kind of a head trip when you're a 6 year old.
thomas keneally said in his book"gift of the jews" that the defining moment in western civilization was when G-d spoke to abraham and said "i am rthe G-d of your fathers, lechi lach; go forth and make a great nation ".
in that moment, the idea of self, the idea of vocation and lineage. the ideas that are the basic tenets of our society were created.
sometimes i feel like abraham, if its not too obscenly egotistical to say so.
i was born to shoot film. it has always been my vocation.....
ever since i was a child, i have felt the weight of greatness on my shoulders.
that doesnt mean that i feel predestined to be great (though one can always hope), but rather...i understood early that i could be great and that for some reason i was spared...that put me ahead in the stats as far as i was concerned. i have always felt the weigh of personal expectation to be great...to deserve that rescue. i have to deserve waking up on that beach, bewildered and cold(sorry-sombre music makes me morose and dramatic at times).
this whole thread comes on the heels of an interesting day.
i met a friend of mine for coffee and we talked about many things. its the end of the month and that means that i am trying to figure out how the hell i'm going to make rent with out peddling my arse on santa monica blvd.
i went to samy's camera as a welcome distraction and i asked the sales clerk a few simple questions, ending with an off-the-cuff inquiry about job openings. first off, the guy was from my home towm...used to work at helix, for those of you in the know. i basically got offered the position by the guy. i apparently exude knowledge and they need a guy for sales in their grip dept.
heres the twist.....
i cant shoot.
LMU shoots start on friday and end on sunday....might as well thursday as a pre-pro day. samy's is a FULL-time job.
like keslow was....
speaking of which; i had to call them and ask for a quote for a cam package...not sure how i feel about that place...pretty sure they dont like me.
a long time ago, i was forced to make a decision betwixt shooting and working. i chose shooting.
i'm tired of living hand to mouth.
show up with a resume and i have the job
not being able to shoot was one of the key factors in my being a crackhead. is that a cop-out?
i was the key factor in being a crackhead, but my soul demands to be fed...its like a twist on little shop of horrors. if i dont feed it, it withers and dies and i get overgrown with big green talking venus fly-traps that talk like isaac hayes......
i edit my reel tomorrow.
i apply at samy's tomorrow night, if not tuesday morning.
theres so much more going on;
...but thats....another story....
this blog was brought to you by the letters K, L, and the number 5 (no significance in the chosen alpha-numerics, those letters had better agents)
a strange sensation
10 Feb 06 Friday
10:22 PM - a strange sensation
Current mood: speculative
so here i am
yes here i am; its me again.
i feel like i did when i wrote my first blog. like a groundhog.
speaking of which, did pxtny phil see his shadow or what.
oh wait;
i live in CA, so it doesnt bloody matter. the weather is the same all the damn time. ha ha.
(sorry mom, but it is funny)
the last few days have been interesting.
i was reminded of the sting that love carries with it, but i'm also remembering the warmth that closeness with another human soul creates.
i have been sober for about a week; and it was effortless. there was a moment or two of weakness, but i was able to stave it off.
i can't do it alone, i found. but my source of strength lives 2 hours away.
theres so much to say about the last few days...
i made my rent
i fell in love
i defeated Zur and the Ko-Dan armada
and porn was involved.
somehow i managed to see gus van sant's "elephant".
that film is FUCKING AMAZING. not only did harry savides do an amazing job as the dp, but his operator should be given major kudos.
how the fuck did no one see this film?
maybe it was because i saw the film with an audience of people to whom i had to describe the film as "they blow shit up....later" to get them to watch it that i found it particularly poiniant(sp?)
i have been kinda "meh" about van sant, but i thought that his storytelling was amazing.
see this film.
TiVO the g-ddamn thing; whatever.....just watch it.
finally got to see "five easy pieces"
its amazing what they did with such little money and a lot of booze and coke, lol.
that film was lazlo kovacs at his finest. granted, theres something to be said about the decadence of ghostbusters, but i dont know if he ever topped his work in "five...."
burnt out for the day.
i, your humble narrator, will delight you with tales later, my little drooges.
until tomorrow,
doogie hauser, MD
i just noticed something....you can usually sense my level of sobriety by the amount of references that i make per entry.
remmber that and call my ass on it if i slip and try and fake it.
goodnight my friends
btw-listening to death cab for cutie..
FUCK
these guys are amazing; do they have a bad song?
10:22 PM - a strange sensation
Current mood: speculative
so here i am
yes here i am; its me again.
i feel like i did when i wrote my first blog. like a groundhog.
speaking of which, did pxtny phil see his shadow or what.
oh wait;
i live in CA, so it doesnt bloody matter. the weather is the same all the damn time. ha ha.
(sorry mom, but it is funny)
the last few days have been interesting.
i was reminded of the sting that love carries with it, but i'm also remembering the warmth that closeness with another human soul creates.
i have been sober for about a week; and it was effortless. there was a moment or two of weakness, but i was able to stave it off.
i can't do it alone, i found. but my source of strength lives 2 hours away.
theres so much to say about the last few days...
i made my rent
i fell in love
i defeated Zur and the Ko-Dan armada
and porn was involved.
somehow i managed to see gus van sant's "elephant".
that film is FUCKING AMAZING. not only did harry savides do an amazing job as the dp, but his operator should be given major kudos.
how the fuck did no one see this film?
maybe it was because i saw the film with an audience of people to whom i had to describe the film as "they blow shit up....later" to get them to watch it that i found it particularly poiniant(sp?)
i have been kinda "meh" about van sant, but i thought that his storytelling was amazing.
see this film.
TiVO the g-ddamn thing; whatever.....just watch it.
finally got to see "five easy pieces"
its amazing what they did with such little money and a lot of booze and coke, lol.
that film was lazlo kovacs at his finest. granted, theres something to be said about the decadence of ghostbusters, but i dont know if he ever topped his work in "five...."
burnt out for the day.
i, your humble narrator, will delight you with tales later, my little drooges.
until tomorrow,
doogie hauser, MD
i just noticed something....you can usually sense my level of sobriety by the amount of references that i make per entry.
remmber that and call my ass on it if i slip and try and fake it.
goodnight my friends
btw-listening to death cab for cutie..
FUCK
these guys are amazing; do they have a bad song?
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