exile

02 Mar 07 Friday
6:39 PM - exile
Current mood: angst sliding into complacency
Category: angst sliding into complacency Automotive

alright, here goes.

this is the beginning of another blog that i fully expect that no one will actually read. if you are reading this asnd you get to the end, then i guess i apologise in advance for all of the spite and venom in the following entry. some of these things i actually think and some of them are just sort of random statements made in a cloud of rage and frustration.

i am so fuckijng sick and tired of this exile. this was supposed to be a "three hour tour" as the tv theme goes. to extend that metaphor, it seems that anytime i get the wood together for a raft, a hurricane comes through and blows all of the building materials to the farthest corners of the island. the more times that i am forced to start over, the more upset i get.

i think that i have been pretty patient while i've been here. i've tried approaching each ridiculous situation with humour and aplomb, but i dont know how much more i can stand.

heres what the sitch is:

justin and i moved up here with the distinct idea ofd moving back to LA in august (together). justin has decided not to come back with me to LA. now i am dead sure that someday when he looks back at this, i will the one that will be reviled for "abandoning" him. i actually condiser the situation the other way around. i love justin. granted, he's a pain in the arse, but then so am i. i love him very much, and the prospect of being without him scares the crap out of me. i cant begin to express how much i dont want to be without him, but i also am so tired of being here. to other eyes, this is a nice quiet town nestled in the mountains, cradling a beautiful lake. to me, its a prison that cages me while i watch the rest of the world pass me by.

i have a friend in LA that is working on the restoration of The Godfather for paramount and he's working with allen daviau. i have friends shooting films (some that would want me there, one who wouldnt) and all i can do is go to work, answer the phones, and fix the errors of asinine people who make insipid mistakes.

like tectonic plates, these concerns and fears rumble together and make ripples in my psyche that i can only hold back for so long. my time and patience are running out.

justin's family is here, and there are other considerations that i cant go into here. i dont blame him. his support system is here. he is all i know in the way of a support system. now, i am on the verge of one of the toughest years of my life and i will have to do it alone.

blah

add into this equation that we just found out that my department is being dismantled in the next 2 months. one could argue that i'm leaving just in time, but there's been a moratorium on overtime (which means that i will have to manage on my measly 40 hr check). the upshot is that it will take me the rest of my damn natural life to get together the needed money to leave here.

this place has the same damn problem as the midwest. i always thouight that where i came from had this distinct problem. you can never get the momentum to leave.

david wojnarowicz once wrote that an object has to be moving at 7 miles a second to break from the earth's gravity and i guess i've always felt that i always seemto get stuck in these gravity wells.

LA was the only time that i felt any kind of freedom. i guess it was just a different prison, but i never seemed to mind b/c it was a prison of my own choosing. thats not something i can say about wisconsin or idaho.

one can argue that i chose to move here w/ justin, but i got bamboozled. this is nothing close to the situation i was supposed to be walking into.

the next time someone asks me to move for or with them, i will let loose a string of obsentities at such a volume it may be offensive to little old ladies, children, and exotic fish.

anyway.......

being sober in idaho has been reasonably easy. G-d only knows what fate holds for me when i get back into the city whose darkest corners i know so well....
on a rational level, i am aware that that fate crap is just an excuse; at the end of the day it is entirely up to my willpower to hold me up. i guess that's the midwesterner in me. doesnt matter what it is, you can plow through with grit, if you've got it.

i guess i will always be on the precipice, hoping that a strong wind wont blow me in the wrong direction.

i know someone at work that i know for fact has access to it. i actually broached the subject once, but i decided against pursuing it; for a variety of reasons, not all of them virtuous.

i had to go to the store the other day and buy new pants. i'm a size 38 now. un-fucking-believable. i was maybe a 30 or a 29 when i moved up here. i'm tired of being tired.

i started walking home from the office b/c its literally the only exercise my fat arse ever gets. i miss swimming. i miss just going for walks, taking photos in west hollywood. i miss LA.

blah