the hummingbird of wishes and the salmon of doubt

08 Nov 06 Wednesday
9:25 PM - the hummingbird of wishes and the salmon of doubt
Current mood: blah
Category: Automotive

and so it is; back by popular demand....:)

things have really been interesting lately. justin and i went through a pretty rough time for a while and i came close to the breaking point a few times, but things are starting to turn around like they always do.

i have this friend ruben that i talk to a lot and he's been incredibly helpful in terms of understanding what i have been going through. i found a book i had bought quite a while back and it's called "Tulsa", its by larry smith, the guy who directed kids and bully. its a small book of photographs, but they're good ones. i suddenyl noticed an few things i had never noticed about the book.
turns out there was text in it and theres a great quote that larry has. the book was published in 1971 and theres this passage

"i was born in tulsa ok in 1943. when i was sixteen i started shooting amphetamine. i shot with my friends everyday for three years and then left town but i've been back throuh the years. once the needle goes in it never comes out."

"once the needle goes in it never comes out."

i think that never has there been a more true statement. its funny because i've been working this job at this call centre and things were getting kinda hard for me b/c the job is dead-end to say the least, but it kept me busy for a while. until i got into the swing of things. then i got bored and listless. just in the nick of time, i got promoted up the chain a little bit.
so far it has kept me fairly busy. what i do is write the actual code for the orders so that people can get their tv and online services.

its challenging and its the kind of thihng i can become good at. its keeping me occupied for the moment. example; there is this guy that i knew over the summer that was mates with the guy who owns our house. i havent seen him in a while and the rumour factory has it that he has fallen into bad meth use. he was a cool guy, so its a shame.

the day after my first day in my new postion, he was visiting one of my roommates and i caught him in the hall when i got up to go to the bathroom. there was a moment of hellos and then i realized that this guy could hook me up.

all i had to do was ask.

i thought about my job and about justin and it was enough to keep my mouth shut. barely.
when i sit and think about this its kind of like phantom limb syndrome.
stay with me.

imagine waking up one morning and getting up and going to scratch your nose or something and then realize that you lost that arm in a tragic accident involving venetian blinds or something.

theres that moment when you truly forget your disability.

yeah, its kinda like that.

there are moments when i am going to bed and my mind starts to wonder and i now know that every pleasure truly has it's price. theres a lot i wanted to forget, a lot that i was running from; but its all coming back to me, with interest.

i think that i am normal, in my mind, i have reverted back to who i used to be in a lot of ways, but i forget to factor in the toll that this has taken on me. i forget that i now have some emotional instability that makes me very unpleasant to be around, but then i guess living with someone means that you dodnt get the space you once had to blow all of that off harmlessly.

i know in my heart that the last place i belong is in a relatinship. i have expressed to my friend ruben that my biggest fear is that i'm not strong enough to keep this away from me.
of course fear of justin helps to curb the instinct, lol.

i'm not afraid of him kicking my ass as i am of hurting him.

so far i have acheived sobriety by putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to look back, but if you dont look back, then theres no point in walking forward b/c then you're gonna repeat it if you cant figure out why you did it.

i did it b/c i was bored. i did it b/c the world that was scary and weary became new again. i did it b/c it was easier and ultimately more rewarding to be in a fog that required nothing from me. i did it b/c i didnt care enough about myself to stop.

to be completely honest, if i ever lost justin i would probably start up again, only because my love for him outweighs any sense of respect i have for myself. maybe that will change. couldnt say.

maybe thats all it is; maybe theres a delicate balance, something precariously keeping one from crossing those borders. i mean, how often do you want to bash someone's head in in a fit of hot anger? what happens when the anger out-weighs your sense of decency and self restraint? they have a term for it actually, its called a crime of passion.

enough of this; there have been so many other things that have happened to me that are far more interesting. i've been hunting and logging. they were both intersting experiences.

i went hunting w/ justin's dad. it was fun and i had a good time, but it sort of opened old wounds that i didnt know were there. if i am to be honest w/ myself, i have to say that the experience gave me a remote taste of what it must be like to have a dad.

i grew up with imposters and hegemons.

i'll always be grateful for the experience. if nothing else, it opened up an avenue of though that i hadnt let myself flow into it. actually we went huntiing twice. the first time was with justin and his stepmother and father. the next time was just his dad and i getting up and going out at half past Oh-my-God-its early.

the first time was grouse hunting around my 30th birthday. hunting grouse is about waling down the road and hoping a bird will saunter past you and that you will be fast enough to blow it to kindom come.

think wolfenstein 3-D meets duck hunt.

it was interesting to me to remmber that my 29th birthday had been a small affair at the Abbey in west hollywood. i was wearing a suit and sipping martinis. my 30th took place in the back of a pick-up truck w/ a shotgun.

one is forced to ask oneself what happened during that year......

anyway, that is quite enough for the moment. on a completely unrelated note before i go, i have to rant about idaho drivers for a second.

at first i thought they were just humble folk.

then i thought that they werent in a hurry and the pace of life was much more relaxed here.

then i realized that they lobotomize the people after the driving test.

-"congratulations timmy, you passed the test, heres your licence"
-"gee thank, mr. thompson."
pause
-"-hey! what're you doing with that ice-pick...no!!!!"

just a theory, no hard evidence yet.

thanks for listening if you got this far.

ben

ps- if you get a chance listen to the Decemberists and the Ricky Gervais show (the podcasts), the first season is brilliant