sometimes you just cant run or so it seems

10 Jul 06 Monday
9:54 PM - sometimes you just cant run or so it seems
Current mood: tired and distraught
Category: tired and distraught Fashion, Style, Shopping

so here i am again.

i've been meaning to blog for a little while. it seems that it's a kind of mental river and this is a healthy way to keep the flow in balance, if that makes any sense....

i cant sleep tonight.

my past is coming through to me in small short vignettes and its driving me nuts right now. i have been clean for two months and it seems that i am just at the beginning of a long road.

its hard for me to express myself lately, so i will try to do so as best i can. i guess i always write a blog assuming the reactions of my audience, but for just once, i want to write with reckless abandon.

i live in idaho with justin. i love justin very much. i realized today that i have complete faith in him, in a way that i never have before. i was reading a book and in it, the protagonist's wife leaves him for a lover and he is taken completely by shock. not because he is stupid, but because he trusts her so much that it never even crosses his mind that she is with someone else.

i realized that i have that same trust in justin and it scares me shitless. if justin were to cheat on me, it would crush me because i would never see it coming. that someone has that kind of power over me scares me because it means i could get hurt, but i guess if you really think about it, you give that trust to someone becasue you believe with all of your heart that they would never actually harm you.
we have our problems like any healthy couple that has only been together 7 months, but we always get it together at the last second.

as for me, well, i've put on a bit of weight recently. the end result is that i look healthy again, but i have a bit of a spare tire. i hate this. one of the things that kept me under the thumb of my particular weakness was the fear of losing my girlish figure, so to speak.

i really need to talk to someone, but who has the time? i'm so busy just trying to survive still that i havent had the time to lay down the right foundations for a long-term fortress. the siege has already begun.
today when i was in the shower(showering is when i do a lot of my thinkning becasue, well, what else is there to do?) i started remembering things. usually i can chase them away, but not today.

all i could/can think about was how good it felt the first time, or rather those times i had gotten my sytem clean enough to feel it again. remmebring the expressions on others' faces as well.

its kind of like high school. looking back on high school, i remmber how much i hated it, but some days i sit back and get caught up in a moebius strip of good memories and the ghost of the past doesnt seem to have such sharp claws.

went fishing the other day. it was a blast. went shooting on the fourth; aside from a distinct lack of hearing in my left ear for a while, it was a good time. justin's parents(read: father and stepmother) have been good at helping me learn how normal people relieve stress and tension, but cant really go fishing every day.
i have to find my own outlets, but i have none.

its funny, when i look back at some of my older blogs. blogs strike me as a kind of journal. i would usually blog when i was sober, because being fucked up, i had no urge to sit down that long. usually the sober voice of me in those blogs is the voice of someone who is quick witted and very hyper-aware....like a child again.

its not like that this time. i get bouts of dim-wittedness, where i just tune out completely(drives justin up a wall). i dont know what happened to that guy that referenced everything all the time.
maybe its idaho?
no one here, well most folk would look at me funny if i started referencing movies all of the time(my native language). its not that they're dumb, its just that its not their way up here. its not the way they think and talk.

i feel like i'm walking in a fog most of the time these days.
whats wrong with me?
maybe its my metabolism; maybe its low? would certainly seem to be after the last two years of accelerated existence.

i want to get back to LA quite badly, but a big part of me recognizes that i'm not ready yet.

one slip and i would lose justin. my entire life would simply unravel if i simply tasted the forbidden fruit. i let that shite eat away 2 years of my life....i'm going to be 30 soon and instead of working in film, i'm working for a fucking staffing company playing moron to construction companies. the jocks i hated in high school have their own work world and i fell into it.

sometimes i get super fucking pissed off about it, but then i realise that there is no one to blame but myself. so here we are back at the beginning, i guess. i know its bad, but for just another taste i would give most anything.

anything but justin.

i need help, but who has the time to seek it, and where can i get it in the middle of northern idaho?

if you read this all of the way through, i apologize for this whining session, but in order to get some sleep tonight, i was hoping to simply exorcise the demons floating in my head.